Friday, September 1, 2023

BODY COUNT, THE PATRIARCHY, AND THE INCEL PHENOMENON IN THE US (IMO)

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Another facebook comment that turned into a thesis.  I should write a book about men. 

So this is going around in various groups.  Pretty sure it was written by a man.  Posted it on my timeline and someone commented something along the lines of "why are these men so obsessed?"

EDIT: I don't think 58 is that high, btw. Not for a woman under the age of 60 in the US or other similar developed nations that lives within a one hour drive of a major city. 


In all seriousness I do think there is something that borders between patriarchal culture/ nurture but also something that is nature in cis men- their brains have some differences to cis women. The three biggest regard shape in some key areas, but there is also the fact that during ejaculation they are flooded with high levels of testosterone.

And given that cis women have about 1% of the amount of testosterone that is the baseline (before ejaculation) in cis men, and given that those same levels also occur during acts of violence and victories or thrills or athletic achievement, just the parameters of our thinking is different.

(There is also a study that has been willfully misrepresented and ignored, granted a really small data sample- but cis men do not hear women's voices in the speech and language left brain, but in the musical area of the right brain- we sound illogical to them. Women process the speech of all genders in the language area.)

Anyhoo- so also take into consideration that most men get a great thrill in making a woman orgasm, not necessarily or primarily out of caring for her, or because they love the act, but because it is a victory, an accomplishment. Like making a woman laugh. Or the dark side, making her scared, or fucking her whether she wants to or not (rape). All of these things are related to the man's feeling of superiority. (EDIT: his ego, in other words)

Then there is also the studies that show that if a man finds a woman attractive, he often believes that she is interested in him. Even if she is not, and even if she is not making any behaviour towards him, they will often think that she is coming on to them. (And then studies where men did not catch actual flirting, but often mistook nice politeness and smiling as flirting.)

Then there is the innate aggression men feel towards the mother, the all powerful female that ruled their early lives-when and how they ate dressed spoke etc. Especially in patriarchal households, small children are the domain of the mother. And unlike the female children, the male children "escape" her power when they become "the man" and get to rule her. Payback time.

And then conversely, we have the single mother, or the all powerful mother, and something that hopefully will get more investigating and honesty in the future, but I've seen hinted enough to believe it is a fairly widespread phenomena- where pubescent boys, having had all of their other needs taken care of by mother, have an irrational desire or expectation of sexual experience and knowledge given to them by mommy.

And even without that, many men have experiences in puberty where the site of any naked woman, including their mothers and other family members, gives them a hard on. Adolescence, for many men, can best be described as "my cock often responds inappropriately and is outside of my control and that is terrifying."

I think this is one reason that these really patriarchal societies focus on pregnancy for everything. And why birth control alone is terrifying. If the man can commit incest without impregnating a family member, what is to stop him from having sex with her. And I think this is one reason women have put up with this loss of bodily control and subjugation for millennia- because better to be raped by only one man than by any man, including your fathers, sons, brothers, etc. I think this is why so many women are okay with conservative Christianity. It's societal Stockholm syndrome with the added fear of multiple hostage takers.

And then there is the mother that does too much for her son, laughs everytime he drools, overpraises him, micromanages him, or conversely, the mother that can never be pleased but constantly dominates- except when with her own husband or partner or partners. These men have to have the woman's sexual interest be about them, so they can't pay for sex and they need to be abusive to women because that is part of their "healing" part of the emotional "orgasm" they need.

(If you believe that all adult relationships are based on our first relationships- with our parents or primary caretakers. Like Harville Hendrix, who I am a big adherent of, and who helped me with my own issues. Why so many of these men really need a good Domme, too. They aren't going to get the satisfaction they are looking for until they submit to the powerful sexual female- another thesis.)

And then, finally, men want as much sex as possible with as many partners as possible. I do believe that is their default. They want to see as many naked women as they can, as much sex as they can. Even if they don't fuck around, or go to strip clubs or watch porn, etc. I've met very very few cis men that did not have those desires if given the opportunity to reveal them- and the opportunity really depended on them as individuals. For some it is a drunk girl passed out they can rape, for others it is a safe space conversation (someone like me) etc.

So you take average Joe Blow American, surrounded by this ridiculous toxic culture, living in a society where women have enormous power in comparison to all of human civilisation and most of the current planet, marriage is no longer the way most men can get a lifetime of sex, and there is no singular, or even navigable pathways that are applicable to most men for getting laid, without engaging a sex worker, which is often not possible even if they have the desire and the money. And also carries loads of confusing societal feelings and thoughts.

So these men want to have a lot of experience, but that is impossible for most men to achieve.  And they also have a lot of confusing and complicated feelings about women and the power women have over men sexually and as mother’s- the real root of the Madonna/Whore dichotomy.  

Peace out, peeps. 

Monday, August 14, 2023

VENUS TRANSIT MACRO CONTACT AND DOWNLOAD FROM THE DIVINE

 That Lion's gate portal was interesting.  Maybe it was the Venus transit and the Perseides with a little something extra this year? Not sure, but it has passed, although I am still culling all the "downloads" I got and trying to sort out who all the visitors were. 

One big one came this morning just as I had finished my morning rituals and stretches and stuff, my mind of course flipped to money/adulting/wtf with my life mode and boom!

I don't know that if I'd had a "normal" life this weekend- if I had still been working at that job- that I would have been able to process this. (Not just any job, but that particular job because it was such a mix of mental and physical.)  These magickal/psychic/mystical downloads are like big drop boxes or google takeout or whatever, they can take hours, even days to unpack. 

These things aren't always worded thoughts that are linear.  I'm going to describe the process because for some reason I feel like I should... Maybe in case anyone else has this process but doesn't recognise it?  There is a feeling that precedes it.  The mundane stuff gets pushed aside, and a feeling of ??? wonder/awe/anticipation comes over me.

Then the downloaded files begin.  Today an image of my natal chart and my retro Venus and retro Jupiter.  Jupiter is in detriment and in my 12th House.  When astrologers do my chart there is usually something like "omg how do ever make any money at all?" And one time, a very positive lady said, "Well this is interesting, I guess you knew when you came to this life that you don't really need money.  It's just a symbol, and you knew you would be able to get by without it."  (I didn’t have to have these specific memories, they were just *there* embedded in the image.  I already know what those placements mean. I’m just describing for you, the reader.)

So, then the next thought was something along the lines of "look at most people you know" and it was a bunch of random images, mostly the people I deal with on a regular basis- library workers, store clerks- and then specifically people I know that have worked at the same jobs or in the same profession for decades.  And a comparison of the “sense” or structure of their life versus my crazy haphazard life.

And the worded part was something like "most people do not have the kind of freedom you have had" and or "most people have not had the unstructured time to really dig down into their emotions/minds/souls the way you have."  (Like this very download. Like this very Epiphany.)

And then I saw images of magickal folk I know and have known- specifically my teachers, people I know to be much stronger magickians and witches than I am.  And that was my mind asking a question, I believe, because immediately I could "hear" the answer from the download.  "You seek the same things- magick, mystic, knowledge of the other realms- but we are showing you that you have a rare privilege in this life, and it is not widely available, although it is more available in your current society and the country you are in, than in most other places and times in history."

And again my 12th House was shown, as a reference to my past lives- and most of the ones I remember I was a man and specifically a soldier or warrior. But the images I was seeing were of solitary hermits and monks living in the woods by themselves, and wives of aristocratic men who were always at war- like medieval ladies in castles that had servants and libraries and a lot of leisure for their lifetimes.  And I am not sure here if these were my past lives- it didn’t feel like it, but I am not sure- or if they were just showing me that at no other time in history could I have been an unmarried woman with no children, living alone, reading through thousands of books. 

And then this last bit was a specific nod to technology- travelling the world without money or advanced astral projection skills, interacting with so many people, etc.  Something I think about pretty often on my own.

And then, the big reveal, and not really sure how this played out because it was so fast- another Epiphany, a burst of light, and it was a jumble of feelings images memories etc. And still having a hard time putting this in words...

So, let's say that I did choose exactly this life, and this natal chart, with these pretty serious restrictions on money (Venus and Jupiter).  And because of other people (all the planets and action in the active or outer part of the chart, plus that Mars/Venus in Aquarius and it's the 7th house). Whether we are friends in this life or not, I am here to engage with certain people, fighting or fucking, either way, and it is contractual.

Jupiter in 12th House is also an indication that the last lifetime was a big one, a famous one.  I feel that, although I am not 100% sure I remember that life.  I do avoid publicity like the plague.  People always want me to be a public leader, but I have never wanted that.  I want to unleash other leaders; I don't want followers.  Recognition from worthy peers and better? Yes. And I would love some fame from writing, but really that is limited fame.  Money to live on well enough to travel more and such? Yes.  My photo in the paper or on the news? No. 

And then the next part was a stream of images/memories of all the gifts and blessings and boons I've been given.  Of all the times I've fallen, some of them hard, and there were people there to catch me or to help me repair from the fall.  And I saw all the people who haven't been caught, who have no one.  I don't even need to walk more than a few blocks to find one.

Then the last bit was the hardest.  All my mistakes, transgressions, lies, embarrassing moments, debts, hurtful things I've done and said to myself and others. 

And then all the times I have made people cringe or become alarmed simply by being myself and being honest.  Not that I necessarily did anything wrong, just that I didn't- don't- behave like other people. And I don’t have a life like other peoples.  Or a “regular” personality.

And then I saw a lot my weird and alarming and downright bad traits in other people- and it was a lot of famous people.  And Donald Trump was there. And seeing some of your own behaviours compared to that POS is not a pleasant morning, but it was accurate-the boasting and the arrogance, and the lack of social skills. How different these things become when you are famous or rich.  How they are accepted and encouraged.  How much growth I would have avoided.

And also, I saw my "audience".  I always think of the people that ran away or became horrified and back away when they see me coming, but this morning I also saw the men (it was mostly men) that became my biggest fans, because I was so honest or authentic or whatever.  And honest about the parts of me that are not socially acceptable and “adult”- the part of me that is the abandoned 3-year-old child, or the part of me that is that little girl in the Piano, having to explain things to the adults, or the whining, unhappy bitch, etc.   

That same thing I see in Trump fans, but about their racism and greed.  He is such a relief to them because he is honest.  No human wants to reject part of themselves.  Racists want to be racist.  Greedy people want to be greedy.  It’s actually the same basic impulse as a gay or trans person coming out.  The desire to live your life as you truly are. But the similarity ends there.  At root all humans are wired the same, but that doesn’t make all desires the same. Because there was a whole other side to that too- where what many people are attracted to is the authenticity, the emotional and personal honesty.  That is why Trump had voters but then lost them. 

I hate that these things come like a ball of light, explode, and make everything clear, and then like a dream begin to recede, and all that is left is this inadequate description.  I mean, for a second it was "Macro awareness" as described in 2150 A.D.  When these downloads unpack everything makes sense, and everything is interconnected, and you just know that whatever happened, or will happen, you are part of something, and it makes sense. You know that you are good and have purpose.

I have been asking for months, maybe a year now "Why am I still here in this incarnation that seems so stuck and going nowhere? What should I be doing? What would make me feel happier? Is there Karma I need to pay off or what?  Who are my people?"  And "What is the fucking purpose of me being stuck here in St Louis- where I fit in about as well as that meme with a garlic clove stuck in a tangerine- while the world boils to death?"

And the answer wasn't what I wanted, but I did finally get an answer.  I didn't incarnate as this person for a comfortable life.  I didn't come for money or fame or love and adoration.  I didn't come to be a big leader and figurehead.  I didn't even come here for *me*.  I came here for these people in my life- and yes, my some were in my family or close friends- but most of the parade of faces and memories were just momentary blips.  Casual encounters. Some I barely remember at all. I few I really dislike and wish I had never met.

And not all of them were me to help them, some of them were for me to experience things my soul or spirit were lacking.  Some were there specifically so that I could fuck up, hurt them, and learn from it. Just as some of the people I was here for had hurt me.

And one of the images- and this only just made sense right now, as I write this- was standing in that church after Ferguson.  Al Sharpton and his people were next to me (I honestly did not recognise him due to his weight loss).  I was so broke then, and I had only 5 copies of a leaflet I'd written to hand out.  But it is my habit, whether I have 5 or 500, to set the intention that I will give them to people that it will have the most impact, that will be most receptive to what I am saying. 

So, one of his people asked for one of my leaflets.  Later, I heard a direct quote from that leaflet in one of his speeches.  (And granted it was not out in left field, but it was almost word for word.) So, my feeling that my efforts are wasted, and I am not reaching enough people?  My words are not wasted.  Better I had handed that leaflet to Al Sharpton, then been on tv saying it myself.   (And same goes for all those months before Ferguson, out trying to talk to people about Metro and taking action to change the buses and such.  And seeing so many of those folks become activists.  I had a part in that, however small.)

And there were other memories, too, of talking to Dan Sheehan of the Christic Institute, of the Berrigan brothers, Donald Woods, and many lesser-known activists that I have raised money for or found journalists to speak to.  One telling me that word of my efforts to get him released had helped him to fight suicidal thoughts in jail.  And people, especially young black men, in places Nickerson Gardens and Cabrini Green that told me that I was the only white person that had ever acknowledged racism, or even had a conversation with them.  (Meaning not just a white teacher or policeman telling them what to do.)

Now that I have recorded all of this, I am more certain than ever that this was Venus.  Even without the Lion’s Gate Portal there is a precedence for spontaneous Macro contact during these Venus transits.  In fact, the first one I ever had was spontaneous.  Doing magick at Topanga Beach one Sunday morning during the full moon in Capricorn during the transit in 2004 and the Harmonic Concordance.  (And the description of that experience was what led someone to give me a copy of the book 2150 A.D. which immediately became my “bible” of sorts, and roadmap for the future of humans on planet earth.)

I don’t know if this is just more of my blethering or if this will be of use to others.  I thought that especially the actual process might be helpful.  I know that I would have likely missed this and not been able to process it if I had had to go to a regular job at 8 AM.  I might have gotten some of it, but it would not have had that Macro contact or bright flash of illuminating light.

I won’t know for a few days, and probably not until the Autumn Equinox, if this will change anything for me, but I will just keep trying to remain open and loving.  And to keep that Macro perspective as best I can. (If you’ve never experienced it, I can only describe it as a kind of spiritual orgasm.  Or being in love but your soul in love with the Universe, and all of it- even the parts you don’t like.

I hope the last few weeks have brought you some gifts as well. Xxoo

PS - just wanted to mention that the actual Epiphany- the experience of all this, is minutes.  But it takes hours, sometimes days, to write it all down and really sort it all out. 

Sunday, August 13, 2023

LOTS OF HITS AND THE VENUS TRANSIT

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My blog has had a lot of activity in the last week or so, and especially this weekend.  (Even before I posted yesterday.) 

I read through all the posts that had been viewed.  Always interesting to go back over my growth and fluctuations.  I really need to edit these things more, but if I stop to do that I won't ever post them. So I just keep selfishly posting all this frothy blathering...

Here's some more lol

A little painful to read anything before 2016 and the big shift that happened that year.  (And now, looking back, I realise that what happened in 2016 was a precursor to 2020- not just Covid.  And in one post I feel something "revolutionary" building in June July of 2016 and I think it was the Trump movement.  This would have been psychic, not that the January 6th attack had been planned yet, just that it was coming into being.) 

Anyhow, I no longer think that 2150 A.D. (the book by Thea Alexander) is the most likely outcome for planet earth.  In fact, now I think that it will probably take place either in another realm (a reality based on a different arrangement of atoms- many of the "other worlds" are right on top of us, like onion skins).

Reading this post was especially jolting though, because it was just this January.  

https://laladyrae.blogspot.com/2023/01/life-is-just-living.html

Most days I still wake up and wonder why the Divine thinks I should remain in this incarnation.  But in the last few months I have really seen how my "crazy" affects things.  And for the better, even if it doesn't always seem that way at first. 

And usually doesn't, or doesn't necessarily, affect me in a positive way, or how I want.  

But that's part of it, this life, isn't it?  Not really knowing why you are here, but having faith that whatever it is you are doing, on the "other side" it will make sense.  And on the other side is there is no Time, and all that is, was, or could be or will never be is all present.  And everything that happened in this life you already knew before you were born.  You agreed to it.  You came and you knew you would hate it or love it. 

That's if, I think, you are a player.  More and more I am accepting the idea that a lot of the people on this planet are NPC's (Non Playing Characters).  And I use that to mean that whether they are successful or a hideous mess, they are programmed and they cannot change things or go a different route. They can only react in certain ways. 

Like when you play a video game.  You can keep asking that character that only has three movements and two different responses a question and you are never gonna get a different answer.  If they are programmed to walk a certain direction and you stand in their way, they will keep walking into you. 

I also came to accept recently the idea of "animal spirits" - spirits that are entirely earth based humans with no touch of the Holy Spirit (the Great Mother) and or that have no afterlife with a Divinity and or that have very limited Free Will.  These folks might use the primate brain, but the higher soul is not present or is not strongly present. (I think these are the easiest targets for possession by spirits or demons, which if you read my Reversing Harmon post you know "demons" are actually the spirits - of dead Nephilim.)  https://laladyrae.blogspot.com/2023/04/the-watcher-angels-and-jesus.html

In some ways the animal spirit is better.  It is suited to this earthly life.  And having a Higher Spirit does not make you better here.  We are all human here on this planet and in this life, and this does not change how we should treat each other.  But recognizing this has made it a little easier for me. I am not spending any time fighting them. 

Find your Kindred among the other players. That is what is most important to me right now.  (And getting prepped for climate change fluctuations and the new normal.) So I am glad this blog is getting hits.  Maybe some more Kindred will find me. 

And for anyone reading this, I hope I have things to say of value that help make life on this planet better.  And if that means some of the people reading this don't like me or don't agree, well, I'm just gonna assume that is part of the larger Divine plan. 

And that I agreed to all of this life, every moment, before I came.  All of the possibilities, including one where the human species does not successfully transition to a higher consciousness, producing the world as seen in  the book 2150 A.D. 

And one of the gifts I have received from this Venus Transit and Lionsgate Portal is the insistent message "Heaven is here on Earth."  Everything I seek in the next world is available in this life.

I got this from the Orb church page.  https://orb.church/#main

It seems accurate. 




 



Saturday, August 12, 2023

SUNDAY 13 AUGUST 2023 PORTAL

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A lot of stuff is making sense right now and seeing this (from Hedge Witches Tea Room Group, highly recommend) made it all click.

CLICK and the light gets really bright and the chorus sings! 

I mean an Epiphany level 1 click. (In Good Omens 2 we find out that miracles are measured by "Lazarii" how many dead Lazurus in energy lol.  So I have adapted this measurement for myself: the Epiphanies- how many Epiphanies it would take to equal this level of understanding?" How many times is my life illuminated at the same level as the gift of my butterfly friend?  A clouded yellow sulphur named Epiphany, who, during an unusually warm winter, came to me on the morning after the Night of the Magi.  The morning of January 6, 2013)

I would add to this meme's list, though. Lionsgate for pure thoughts. Venus for pure heart intentions, and Perseids we need to select energy for situations involving "impure" thoughts, forbidden or difficult love, and for healing the ancestral wounds.  The ones passed on through generations.   How and why we hurt the people we love and care about the most.  Why we hurt ourselves. 

The Perseides are the Greek version of the fallen watcher angels, the Elohim, that mated with mortal women, produced Nephilim, half angel half mortal giants.  The Elohim were bound by Yahweh, and the Nephilim were the reason for the Flood.  But the Nephilim could not cross over to the afterlife and back to God, the EL. The spirits of these dead giants created disease and became demons that attacked humans.  There is good evidence that Jesus was crucified to save humans from this, not from original or any other kind of sin.

The Greeks had a Titanomachy, where Zeus bound the Titans in the bowels of the earth.  And in the Greek version, Heracles, better knows as Hercules, comes to "save" humanity from monsters. 

In magickal terms think of the Perseids as bringing light to down the deepest bowels of your soul, where the monsters are bound.  The monsters that are your ancestors, your gods, half-human and half-heaven. 

xxoo 




Tuesday, April 25, 2023

THE WATCHER ANGELS AND JESUS

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Per my last few posts... Yes, I am still really depressed.  I don't know why the Mothership hasn't come for me yet, but it hasn't so I just keep on going.  So thankful for books. Books and walking in the park and seeing the sunset and stuff, plus my family, that is about all I care about. Everyday that I make it through without collapsing is a victory... anyhow, here is a post about a good book if you are looking for info on the Elohim. 

I just read Michael Heiser's Reversing Hermon.  I initially read it because of his disagreements with Zecharia Sitchin. (I am interested in Sitchin but not sure I think he has things right.  I don't think Heiser does either, but this is a big truth and takes a lot of viewpoints to even get a good picture of what is going on.)

The book was a really interesting. I'm going to read his other books, too, and a big chunk of the bibliography.  If you are here because you are searching for the Watchers, this book is a must read. 

This book basically reveals that the whole basis of the Church and "original sin" is wrong- I mean from the perspective of both Old and New Testament and all other scriptures.  Heiser  doesn't get into when everything became about Adam and Eve, because that was not his interest.  

Neither the promised Jewish Messiah nor Jesus was concerned about Adam and Eve's transgression. Yes, they had fucked up, violated the rules, had to leave the Garden, but there was no saviour needed for that.  Their choice meant they couldn't live in the walled garden anymore and also had to enter this world of fleshy suffering.  They didn't need a crufixion.

(God had basically set up a gated community here on earth for his people, but he knew they would be back after they died.  That's why you don't hear much about hell in the Old Testament.  It wasn't really a thing for humans.)

Genesis 6:4 and many other quotes in the Bible are not about Satan, or sinners, or about Lucifer's fall from grace (God had a lot of problems with his angels lol).  These quotes are about the Watcher Angels that decided to have sex with mortal women and fathered a race of giant Nephilim. 

This same story is in Babylonian mythology, from a different perspective. And the author makes a good argument for the Titanomachy and Gigantomachy, are also the same story told from another Pantheon's perspective.

Noah was one a grandchild of Lamech, who was a Nephilim.  But for some reason God was okay with Noah. God sent a flood to kill off all of these monstrous offspring and he bound the errant angels in Tartarus for the duration of this world.  

Fixed the problem, right? NO.  First of all, some more angels apparently fornicated again, because human women are so damn fine.

But worse, disastrous, in fact, the dead Nephilim could not return to Heaven or Tartarus and were stuck in a kind of hell- being neither human nor angel, no longer living in flesh, but part immortal. (And I need to read some more, but it appears they can also trap human spirits with them.  Not sure on that though.)

Because they were descended from Angels that could communicate with humans, they became demons, harassing people, driving them to evil, making them ill, tormenting them.  (Even after the departure from Eden we were originally supposed to get 120 years plus no illnesses and stuff.  But the Nephilim fucked that up.)

So God had to mate with and be born by a mortal woman, die a mortal death, and then stay in this same limbo that the Nephilim are trapped in and defend any of his followers that called up on him, because basically, he was the only one that can.  So that is how Jesus spends his time.  He's not helping Tom Brady win football games. 

Remember the Nephilim had ravenous appetites, would consume everything, including other people, destroy all resources... sound familiar? A world where the most successful people are actually enthralled by ravenous, destructive Nephilim that will be happier when humans and this planet are dead makes a lot of sense. 

I miss Roomie (always) and a few friends I have lost touch with in LA. Even if she didn't agree with Heiser, she would have been able to have a convo about this and probably would have been able to tell me something about what happened during the time of Bishops Iraenus and Tertullian- the Church fathers that really shaped so much of what people believe today- that this knowledge was lost or suppressed. Because it was around the 3rd century that everything became about Adam and Eve in most of the Christian churches.  (Gotta check up on the Ethiopians.  They are also the only church that included Enoch in their Bible.)

Probably because there is no way to manipulate that into humans needing the church.  Plus if the dead Nephilim latched onto priests (and I think they do) they would have a pipeline for souls after death.  Yes, eventually there would be the end of the world and judgement, but when you already know you are gonna be thrown in the lake of fire, there is no reason to hold back. Go ahead and corrupt people and get them to devour the earth's resources and commit every kind of evil imaginable because the humans can get salvation, but you can't. 

Oh- one other thing about this- the whole thing with women covering their hair? This book gets into the many euphemisms about hair and sex during ancient times- in Biblical stories and in others, including the Greeks.  

Hair was seen as a sign of genitals, particularly on women.  Since the God of the Old Testament did not create women and men equally, a man must cover his head in the world, and reveal it to God. But mortal women were too tempting to the angels, so they needed to cover their heads pretty much all the time. 

Paul is still a typical misogynist, but at least the head covering thing finally makes sense. 

Seriously, I've taken down all the other Watcher posts, but they get a lot of traffic.  Especially if you are using this in your paper or something, hit my paypal with a gift. Every dollar is appreciated. Thank you. 



The Fallen Angel, by Odilon Redon 1905

Tuesday, January 17, 2023

THE CURE FOR DEPRESSION IS THE IMPENDING APOCALYPSE

As usual, now that my birthday has passed I feel better.  Some subconscious thing of "well, I've already done another year, I guess one more won't hurt."  But this morning I woke up and instead of thinking "I'm still here, meh."  I thought, "Well, by the time 2024 comes around the human habitat collapse will be apparent and either my political skill set will be (recognised and) needed, or the mothership will surely come to shepherd me home." 

A big part of the whole depression is not just all that I lament in my last post, and being middle aged and never having made it and such, but also that I truly believe given the proper resources, I could make a huge difference in the St. Louis area.  But trying to do it alone is so overwhelming.  Even if I were younger. 

I just want to say again, if you are also feeling despair to the point of feeling suicidal, or go to bed at night half hoping you won't wake up, that you absolutely must have faith in the fact that if you are waking up, you are meant to.  

And I don't say that lightly.  I have had suicidal nervous breakdowns.  In 1992 I had one and at the time I was completely empirical.  If humans could not see it or measure it, it wasn't real.  No gods at all.  No spirits. Etc. I was in complete denial about my gifts. And that breakdown I embraced them, and that changed my life.  Since then it has been a 30 year journey, 31 actually, and I continue to learn and grow every day.  

There is no time on the other side.  It's not an endless string of days, it's all days.  The days you will live, have lived, might have lived, and have yet to live.  All together at once. I've only glimpsed this a bit, and like a dream, once you exit the vision it is hard to hold onto, but I assure you that you continue to exist and often continue living this life (in a slightly different atomic arrangement) or you will move onto another life, or you will watch over your loved ones that remain here. 

You know the probable life you will lead before you incarnate. And the larger part of you remains on the other side.  You do have the power to end your life here, but it makes it very difficult to reassemble yourself when you do that.  Suicide effectively separates you from your larger self.  It denies everything but the awfulness you are experiencing in this incarnation. (There are some spirits that seem to survive or overcome this, but really it seems like the best thing to do is just wait.  If it is as bad as it feels your self on the other side will negotiate a way out for you.) 

So hang in there as best you can. These last two months have been pretty hideous for me, and honestly, in terms of my day to day life, they don't look like they are going to get better, but I remind myself that I knew what I was in for when I came here.  And in addition to the breakdowns, there have been times where I almost died by accident or otherwise, and made a choice to stay. 

Trust that you belong here. Remember that no matter how this life seems from the side of the living, on the other side it is equal with every other life that has been lived- yours and everyone else's. The pauper and the prince are truly equal. 

Just do one day at a time and try to focus on the positive things, the things that make you feel better, even if those things are the fact that humans are going to boil this planet and the water shortage is coming.  Lots of people will die, especially in developed countries.  Monetary wealth will be useless and the grid will shut down.  You will for a few moments have the satisfaction of being able to say I told you so. (I know, that is mean, but after Trump and Covid I think most of humanity is shite. Maybe  I will have a different opinion when I am on the other side, or when the misery spreads to the American middle classes.)

So cheer up, soon everyone else will be just as, if not more, miserable than you.*

LOL

And in other news: Mercury goes direct tomorrow morning.  Don't expect the mass exodus or the all the weird shit to stop, though.  The voluntary evacuation is still happening, and also The Powers That Be (including Mother Nature) are still trying to wake up the sleeping masses. 

xxoo 

(This image is way too cheery for this post but I like it and it is appropriate.) 


* PS- I do recommend doomsday prepping rainwater collection, gardens, camp stoves. solar panels, HAM radios, and having your personal network organized. Also, any supply chain jobs are good right now, because you will be aware of the breakdowns in the grid before they become obvious to the public.  

Sunday, January 15, 2023

LIFE IS JUST LIVING

 My birthday is tomorrow.

I had a premonition a while back that I was going to die this birthday.  Kept seeing my apartment bare, me gone, my car at an auction, and I was out in Cali staying at friend’s house.  (The bright spot was this blog was getting hundreds of hits! Bunch of people were actually reading my stories and other writing!  And a lot of things I have done that have gone unacknowledged were being recognised.)

Thought it was the eviction, maybe I lost my shit and got shot by the sheriffs or something? An ending like that to my life would surprise no one. (Also thought maybe my stalker who is a killer got me- but he has disappeared.  But then there are so many other people who hate me.) Then the ARPA money came through, the landlords were paid, and I got a reprieve. 

Still kept having those visions.  And a constant nagging feeling to get all my passwords and emergency contacts together, sort out stuff so that someone could get my family stuff out of here, write letters to people I had things to say to.  Realised that in my vision, I was in Cali but only seeing one friend, was not going anywhere.  Realised said friend is one of the few people I will be able to interact with when I am dead. Realised I wasn’t going on vacation.

Freaked out about it a little bit. We are hardwired to resist death. But when I started to really think about it, my only real concern was my mother, and to a lesser extent my sibling.  And that if I have anything my family might need that they may not be able to get to it. There were a few people that I genuinely wished I had said something too, but not enough to actually write the letters.

Also, in the vision, all my stuff was just tossed or given away.  Nothing was preserved, etc. I would have had to find someone to come and deliver those letters and such, and I didn't want to talk about it. And I also realised that there were so few people that I knew well enough to ask that sort of thing of, and also what a thankless task it would be, sorting through all my shit.

And the biggest realisation: I felt mostly relieved.  I have so much to offer, so much I could be doing, but even finding two people to be on a board for 501(c)3 has been a challenge.  When I was younger I could do things on my own dime, always had a little and had the energy. But I am just worn out. Being stuck in St. Louis (there is a reason I left, and I wish I had worked to bring my mom to LA and not returned here. But I did.) This constant fear of something breaking down, or an emergency expense, all of my health issues that I can’t afford to take care of, even when I am working at a decent job with decent insurance.  Never being able to have a real vacation. 

And I look around at all the truly shitty people in the world and I just see that the more selfish and greedy and dishonesty- particularly emotional dishonesty- the more they thrive.  All these years I spent thinking that I would write something great and always failing- maybe it wasn’t my writing, maybe it is that I will never be “relatable” to these humans.

Turns out my reading list was the thing that I really cared about.  I have really been trying to get a good look at the afterlife- in particular what my afterlife would be, and if I would be able to finish these books.  And that answer is really complicated, and partly yes and partly no, but bottom line is, if I really feel like it is my soul’s purpose to read some books, I’d best stay here, if I can. Because it is just not the same on the other side and it is as big, if not bigger, a transition as moving around the world to somewhere completely new and foreign.  (And also, conversely, completely old and familiar.  I hope you can follow what I am saying.)

I did not come to this life to have what every body else has. I came here to see as many lives and as much of this life as I could.  I came to be part of big things, even if I was only a small part of them.  And for the first 35 years of my life I feel like did that.  Yes, I was a mess, suicidal twice during that time, crazy, but I did do some many things, meet so many people, have so many wonderful experiences.

And in July 2007- long story for another time, and maybe you have already heard it- when my spirits told me, with some surprise that I had continued to live when that was to have been my death, and showed me the path that would have happened for family without me, and told me that now it was all new, unmapped going forward, I thought I could still achieve my goals to write something that would really matter- to me and to other people.

And here I am 15 years later, and I just don’t even want to leave my house and I wish I could just read without having to stop to work or eat or wash or whatever. I guess if a big chunk of money fell in my lap and I could go on vacay and go to Scotland (big chunk of my reading is books about Gaelic, Scotland, the Celts, etc.) and get my little One Minute Revolution org going and funded, maybe I would feel thrilled, but I’ve tried so many times to get it or something like it going. I have no hope for anything anymore. (Other than books.  Reading is always rewarding, and if it isn't I just shut that book and move to the next. Working at the library, though, that was enough to make a lesser person suicidal.  Wish I had never worked there and never suffered that disillusionment.)

Like my stories and books and poems, it is on my agenda and not anyone else’s, and maybe it would not do any of things I think it would.

So, I didn’t die.  And some of the other things I saw have not happened- or, to be more precise, have happened in a different configuration and with lesser impact than I had foreseen. And all I see before me is more crappy jobs, more stress about my health and my car, more deterioration ( I will be moving April 1st to a new place but it will be more expensive and really just a lateral move.  Another crappy apartment... actually I will be moving if I can manage to hold everything together.  The possibility I will be moving into my car is ever present.)

I wonder now if it wasn't some sort of test?  All the motherships are here, and all the old gods, and there is a massive “voluntary evacuation” call going out constantly via the astral channels.  I’m not suicidal, and for me that is not an option.  (I think for most it is spectacularly bad idea, although recently there seem to be a few spirits who have not suffered the consequences for it- either via their life contracts or that mess they get stuck in.  Essentially, in committing suicide you lock yourself into the very feelings you were trying to escape and it is difficult to get out of them. You nullify all the good in your life. Or, at least, that is how many of the suicides I have encountered have been.)

This world could be so great, but it is going to have to get a lot worse before people begin to do anything.  And even if people do start doing something now, it is still going to be a mess for quite awhile. Someone exiting now, even if they immediately re-incarnate, will suffer less because the bad shit will be their starting point.  It won’t be a decline.  Easier to be a child in a dying world than an old person.

For almost two months now my earworm has been Spike singing “Life’s not a song/ life isn’t bliss/ it’s living.” 

Spike is right.  It’s just living.  Doesn’t matter if the world is shit, if you are depressed, if you made it to the top or lived under someone’s bootheel your whole life, you lived.  That is all this world is about, living in it.

And on the other side, once you actually move out of the Bardos and the various purviews of different afterlifes, there doesn’t seem to be much difference in how a life was lived.  The spirits I talk to that were way more depressed, oppressed, messed up, fed up, etc, than I am say that from their perspective they were no different than a king, or a celebrity, or a hero.

Still, it would be nice if life would “Give me something/ To sing about!”

Cheers, and as always, thanks for listening.

https://youtu.be/Sv8uRVLN5Dc?t=212