FERGUSON 10 YEARS ON

Social media post:

 I do this sometimes and I do not know *why* is it autism? ADHD? what?- I have had it stuck in my head that anniversary of Ferguson was the 14th. Maybe because it was August of 2014? And somehow, right along there with it, was the absolute knowledge that it was the 9th.

I'm kind of glad I didn't go though. That was not an easy time in my life. But Ferguson gave me such hope. I'd spent spring of that year riding the bus from North County to U City and South City (hours on the bus) and handing out leaflets trying to get people to protest all these abuses of Metro's money by Bi-State Development Agency (they are not the same!) and the "incarceration due to lack of decent public transit" that characterizes North County.

Ferguson was not a surprise to me for a number of reasons. (If you know me you know why I started that particular campaign at that time- although it could have been about anything.) But if I hadn't expected it before, just talking to people I could have seen it coming.

Everyone wanted to talk about the almost weekly extrajudicial murders of mostly black men by police in cities across the nation. That St Louis would soon join that list did not require any psychic abilities at all. And I just happened to be riding through Ferguson twice a day.

Between February and June I encountered almost all of the major players in Ferguson- Michael Brown, his mother, Brittany Ferrell, (she recognized me at the protest after the city council meeting "the bus lady!" lol), Tory Russell.

But people were also mostly pessimistic about changing anything in St. Louis. "They will kill us all before they will change anything, even bus service, there is no point."

I'm having a hard time processing that it has been 10 years. Or that in some ways things are even worse than they were 10 years ago. Especially after Cori Bush getting defeated by only 7000 fucking votes. (FEC doesn't have financials after mid July, but if he raised 8.5 million and has 1 million left on hand that means he spent over $1000 per vote to win. That has to be a record in Missouri.)

And I guess I expected my own life would be better, but I realize now that will only happen when I leave STL, and I am still not able to do that. I am not willing to do that, I guess is the right thing to say.

Michael Brown should still be alive. Cops like Darren Wilson should not be allowed on the force. Kejieme Powell should also be alive. And I think there is a very real likelihood that Eddie Crawford was murdered because of Ferguson.

DeAndre Joshua I believe was killed by the same people that murdered Darren Seals.

I think a lot about Darren Seals. I saw him North County frequently, and at the gym in that shiny new Jeep. I didn't really know him though. He was just someone I saw in passing. And like a lot of people that became political during Ferguson that changed his whole life. *

It was very important to him that kids from his old life saw him get up and go to his job at GM every day. Saw him working on his music and his rhymes. Saw that he did not get a 501c3 and turn activism into a job. That was something he did for free, because he loved his people and his neighbourhood.

I do not think Darren was killed by the police, although I wasn't sure at first. His best friend was (is?) one of the biggest drug dealers in STL. He and Darren grew up together, and his friend was severely traumatized as child having seen his mother get shot and killed in front of him.

Was Darren allowed to fully leave that life? Likely no. And this guy, whose name I cannot remember, was in jail for a while after Ferguson and there was another guy who was trying to move in on his territory. Darren was killed by people that he loved. The man who killed him is dead now too.

The cornerstone of this drug dealers' territory is Riverview/ Glasgow Village near the high school. That business never closes down, and always has employees. In reality, for the foot soldiers, it probably doesn't pay better than a fast food job, and it is more dangerous, but it is available, and it offers a sense of brotherhood.

I remember the day Darren died. All of those kids knew who had killed Darren, even though they didn't say that to me, I could tell when I asked them. I remember talking to them and begging them to get out of that life. It's what Darren would have wanted. I think I did get through to one girl, but I remember one of the guys was angry and swore vengeance.

That night, or the night after, another kid was shot at the corner. I don't know if it was the kid or his twin, or someone else. And kids get shot pretty frequently at that corner, but it felt like it had something to do with Darren's death.

These areas do not need more cops. And white cops from the counties and rural areas should not be policing these areas EVER. We don't need more corrupt DEA agents or FBI investigations.

What we need is more Darren Seals. He wasn't perfect. By all accounts he was typical het cis man homophobic, had some prejudices against some other cultures. He wasn't your "typical" liberal friendly activist.

But he grew up in that life. And the courage it took for him to leave his old life was tremendous. I hope that when Michael Brown looks down from Heaven he sees how many good changes his death brought. How many people were given a glimpse of a life that offered a deeper connection.

It is really depressing that we haven't advanced further. But now that I have written this, I guess I see how much worse it would have been without Ferguson. I just wish Michael Brown hadn't died. I wish we didn't have to pay such a high price.

And I hope that people will continue to fight. Not out in the streets- but by calling elected officials and demanding changes to policing. (I do suggest another name than Defund the Police. Call it something positive-- Fund community, fund social workers, fund neighbourhood liaisons and mediators, Fund mentors.) But rooting out bad judges. By showing up to vote in primaries where people like Bell are running against true progressives like Bush.

Rest In Power Michael Brown, Jr.

*(I should mention that as a teenage I escaped a lot of dangerous men by becoming political, too. Between returning to St Louis in spring of 1980- from being a runaway in California- and September of 1981, I had gotten in with some really dangerous men. Felons, white supremacists, and then also just abusive racist men that were mostly older brothers of kids I was in high school with and dirty cops. To get rid of one I would cuddle up to one they were scared of, and I guess you can image how that worked out. Becoming Red Rachael though- that scared them... I still had to run from them if they caught me hanging out with a black guy- although I always feared for the guy more than me. But once I left high school and moved in with my boyfriend and spent all my free time in U City, I never saw most of them again. Politics has a power that other things don't. I am not sure exactly why. It has its own dangers, but it also has a unique power. )

NOT EVERY THOUGHT IS EQUAL

I have been having some convos with various unrelated people lately about random thoughts, "voices in the head", weird images, disturbing earworms, etc.

I think the errant mind is more difficult for people that don't have any supernatural or psychic beliefs or experiences. Also, I grew up with a mentally ill person, so for 54 of 58 years I have learned to question everything the brain does.

The brain is made to think, which includes verbal and non verbal thoughts, images, sounds, feelings, etc. Even if you don't believe in any kind of connection in your consciousness with something bigger than humans or non humans, our brains are still basically supercharged electromagnetic meat pudding and there probably is a kind of morphic field that filters in a lot of garbage from the collective human thought murmuration.

Even if you don't remember your dreams, you know that people that do will tell you they often make no sense, have weird sights, sounds, and conversations, and the part of your brain that processes written language shuts down and you cannot read.

So if you have weird or alarming thoughts, just let them go. You are not your thoughts.  Even your conscious ones.  This is the biggest struggle for most people- if something alarming comes into your mind, and you believe that this must belong to you.

If you have a troubling thought you cannot shake ask yourself if someone were saying this to you how would you feel about it? And ask yourself if someone you trusted said it and also if it was someone you didn't trust?

My mentally ill family member and friends cannot always shake the compulsion to do what the thought demands because it feels so real.  More real than what I am saying to them. They will listen to random voices because they feel like they are being controlled by something bigger than themselves or other humans. (Some religions people do this too.)

Psychics hear voices of the dead and non human entities, but treat them the same as they would the living.  Spirits ask me to do crazy shit for them all the time.  When I first started hearing them clearly and speaking to the dead, I went out of my way to pass on every message I was given.  Most people are not ready to hear that, and it really frightens people who do not believe in an afterlife.

Not every thought is equal.  You don't have to act on every thought in your head... and one I wish I could learn lol, you don't have to say everything you think, when you think it.

And if you are plagued by thoughts or obsessed, the best thing you can do is find someone to talk to about it- friend, therapist, tarot reader or psychic, etc.  That will just feed it, and often create an obsessive disorder.

 Anyhow, lol, a voice in my head suggested I post this because it is not a coincidence that these things keep coming up. I did not have to post this, but I chose to after thinking about it.

xxoo

ADORABLE H8 MAIL

Someone either from my bank or from the City of Riverview sent this to me, probably in relation to comments on a post about Wesley Bell running against Cory Bush.  The ad was paid for by a conservative Republican group. Both parties now back and send out literature on candidates from the other party- easier to attack the incumbent as a challenger, the candidate has nothing to do with it- in an effort to divide the vote.  (Either so their candidate wins, or the they get a more compatible incumbent.)

I haven't lived at the address they mailed it to in over 7 years. (I erased the address before posting.)  Since I mention Bell's awful legacy in Riverview, and called it (as I always do) a traffic court that exists to pay the salaries of the white trustees (and police and court costs) and literally does NOTHING else for its citizens, I imagine I won't have to go too far to find this person.  (Ironically probably a woman actually named Karen who I've clashed with in social media comments before.) 

What is hilarious is that this person went out of their way to mail me, a BITCH, this threat of HELL, but won't spell either word out LOL. 

So, sweetie, don't worry, I'm already in hell, stuck here in St. Louis, Missouri, USA.  You scared the current homeowner, so I am gonna have to do my best to track you down, especially if you work at my bank. 

Adorable though.  Before I was 15 I was strangled twice, have had guns pointed at me, been abducted, raped, and lived on the streets as a runaway?  Not too mention all the other shit I have been through in my life.  I guess whatever I said to you really hit home, though, huh?  I mean, the effort you went to is flattering. 

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I AM CONFUSING TO MOST PEOPLE

It's funny I am mostly TMI.  At least in my personal life.  (At most jobs I am pretty resolute about not googling co-workers, never talking about politics/religion/sex.  One of the things I like about work is that you mix with all kinds of people and you don't talk about anything that could potentially interfere with the work... I mean that is the idea anyhow, and I like that.  I also like jobs that are demanding enough that there is little room for socializing. Anyhoo...)

So I usually attempt to tell new people in my life about my shortcomings, but I am such an odd bird, especially in a small city like STL, that most people don't listen to me.  Or can't.  I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be too complex. 

Since the Solar Deity sees fit to have me keep waking up in this incarnation every morning I have to just keep trying, and I guess it is time to publish this thing again.  

Also, I am going to take down this blog soon, and everything I have on Google.  You will still be able to get it on Gumroad, and I will eventually set up a Wordpress site, but I am done with Google for my personal stuff. I am not happy about them using it for AI and also I had problem with one of my blogs (I have about 25 I think) and I cannot get any response from them at all. 

Okay so, I posted this on my facebook and now I am posting it here. 

******

Have you ever used a tool- or something- that had damage? It was great, but you had to allow for the damage.  Maybe you had to hold it differently, or it took a minute to get it started. 

 

Maybe it was something rare.  It couldn't easily be replaced, or it could do things that other tools (or cars or whatever) couldn't do.  But you had to adjust for it.

 

I am trying to describe something about me that I can never seem to communicate to people.  Because if you have this tool and you DON'T realise that it has this issue, you might think it is broken.

 

This tool is not broken.  I am damaged.  I also am not like the majority of people.  No one was looking for autism or ADHD in girls like me when I was younger, and I don't present like others.  I do have PTSD too, from being raped and strangled, and growing up with caretakers that were mentally ill.  I also have the abandonment and daddy issues with men (and did not grow up with them at all, so a lot of things other women find normal I do not, and a lot of things other women do not know I understand very well).

 

There is also a part of me that will always be that little kid that is constantly being dropped in new situations, especially in the middle of personal trauma.  Having to listen to the most painful things about your life being discussed openly and also being the reason that you had to go stay with people that you didn't know and mostly didn't like. People who often also had religious agendas and sometime creepy ones. (Those were rare thank god.)

 

The things about me that make me so adaptable and so resilient and so familiar are also the same things that trip me up.  Processes and routines are always new to me.  I have to drill myself over and over again not to get mixed up doing simple things that most people learn and never think about again.  I think this might be an ND trait, just based on reading memes and comments on these sites, but it could also be my incredible power as a child to shut out my environment and everything about me and do things on autopilot to the extent that I would not remember doing them.

 

I learn differently from other people, and while I can master some things very quickly, there are others that I have to program in over and over.  My short-term memory for new environments is amazing. But I will forget whatever the last environment was very quickly. 

 

I have gone to jobs where it was my responsibility to deactivate the alarm, and everytime the alarm code changed I had make sure to bring it with me, because sometimes I cannot remember it.  Or remember it fast enough.  And this happens with the things I use the most. 

 

I could never remember Sean's cell number.  I called him everyday.  Often multiple times.  I knew him for 12 years before I got a cell phone- he had one right away, when they were called something else- and I would call his home number when I couldn't remember his cell. In 21 years this probably happened about 15 times. But it always would happen in clumps - when I was most stressed out, when something was happening where I felt under attack.

 

I can also be a ditz.  I have eaten oatmeal for breakfast every single day (except those donuts recently lol) for about 5 years.  Until a few months ago, when I made a concerted effort, when the microwave would ding, I would open the cupboard to get a bowl.. for the oatmeal.. that was in the microwave in a bowl... It drove me nuts too, and also I am not a morning person. 

 

Mornings were, and still are, the hardest times for me.  A lot of my childhood was waking up to unhappiness or fighting or in some strange environment.  Many many mornings as a kid I did not want to get out of bed. And if my day started with someone yelling at me it never got better.  Especially if it was some stranger's house.  And especially if I was really trying (and a lot of times I wasn't).

 

I struggle with these things, and another thing- in new environments I will make mistakes.  I have to constantly fight this and it was years of therapy after my breakdown to understand it, but like I always say "understanding a problem doesn't always mean you can fix it." There are two main components to this- the first is that a lot of these people that we (my sister and I) had do go stay with were "do-gooders".  They were doing it to make themselves look good.  They didn't really care about us. 

 

Do-gooders like to look good and they love to hear themselves talk.  So if you made a mistake and asked for help they loved to show you the right way to do it.  And I had a double issue with men- if I made a mistake they would pay attention to me.  Yes, sometimes it meant getting in trouble but it was still attention.

 

And finally, I have tunnel vision, and it is also exacerbated by stress and new situations.  I was also humiliated a lot as a child and also as a way too young girl sexually involved with older, often dangerous, men.  If someone, male or female, is standing behind me and is pointing at things and is irritated or impatient, part of me is probably struggling with that "stupid worthless kid/girl" feeling that comes up.

 

The tunnel vision thing and thing with processes is also present in my mentally ill family member, and other members of my family that didn't have diagnoses.  Walking around, angry and arguing or crying and upset, looking for something that they were holding in their hand.  Absentmindedly doing a process and messing it up, like punching in the wrong phone number or code.

 

Most people only see the damage or the dynamism.  They only see the person that can command a room or an army, be familiar in any situation and relate to almost any person OR the person who cannot seem to see what is right in front of them, suddenly forgets or messes up the simplest process that they do everyday, or gets really tongue tied or awkward talking to someone either really important or completely unimportant.

 

I'm not broken, but I am really complex.  I had problems in LA, too, but there were so many more people like me, and there were just more people period.  And I also don't want the life most people want, and the things that most people want don't seem satisfying to me.

 

I'm not broken, I am damaged. I could organize, train, and lead an army, but let someone else handle the codes.  You can trust me with all of your money and stuff, to follow your wishes and do things the way you want it done, but if that includes a step by step process and sequence I may have to (probably will have to) write it down and refer it even if I do it every single day. 

 

I imagine this is TLDR and I know a lot of people are probably sick of this PSA every few years, but I have to keep saying it everytime I meet new people and get in a new situation, because even with all the people like me that I found on the internet (mostly young uns with pages about being ND), it's always new... like the psychic thing actually, I tell people but - especially if they don't believe in it- I have to prove it.  It doesn't matter what I have done in the past, each person has to experience it or see it (or not see it) for themselves.

 

Anyhow, thanks for reading.

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BODY COUNT, THE PATRIARCHY, AND THE INCEL PHENOMENON IN THE US (IMO)

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Thank you!

Another facebook comment that turned into a thesis.  I should write a book about men. 

So this is going around in various groups.  Pretty sure it was written by a man.  Posted it on my timeline and someone commented something along the lines of "why are these men so obsessed?"

EDIT: I don't think 58 is that high, btw. Not for a woman under the age of 60 in the US or other similar developed nations that lives within a one hour drive of a major city. 

In all seriousness I do think there is something that borders between patriarchal culture/ nurture but also something that is nature in cis men- their brains have some differences to cis women. The three biggest regard shape in some key areas, but there is also the fact that during ejaculation they are flooded with high levels of testosterone.

And given that cis women have about 1% of the amount of testosterone that is the baseline (before ejaculation) in cis men, and given that those same levels also occur during acts of violence and victories or thrills or athletic achievement, just the parameters of our thinking is different.

(There is also a study that has been willfully misrepresented and ignored, granted a really small data sample- but cis men do not hear women's voices in the speech and language left brain, but in the musical area of the right brain- we sound illogical to them. Women process the speech of all genders in the language area.)

Anyhoo- so also take into consideration that most men get a great thrill in making a woman orgasm, not necessarily or primarily out of caring for her, or because they love the act, but because it is a victory, an accomplishment. Like making a woman laugh. Or the dark side, making her scared, or fucking her whether she wants to or not (rape). All of these things are related to the man's feeling of superiority. (EDIT: his ego, in other words)

Then there is also the studies that show that if a man finds a woman attractive, he often believes that she is interested in him. Even if she is not, and even if she is not making any behaviour towards him, they will often think that she is coming on to them. (And then studies where men did not catch actual flirting, but often mistook nice politeness and smiling as flirting.)

Then there is the innate aggression men feel towards the mother, the all powerful female that ruled their early lives-when and how they ate dressed spoke etc. Especially in patriarchal households, small children are the domain of the mother. And unlike the female children, the male children "escape" her power when they become "the man" and get to rule her. Payback time.

And then conversely, we have the single mother, or the all powerful mother, and something that hopefully will get more investigating and honesty in the future, but I've seen hinted enough to believe it is a fairly widespread phenomena- where pubescent boys, having had all of their other needs taken care of by mother, have an irrational desire or expectation of sexual experience and knowledge given to them by mommy.

And even without that, many men have experiences in puberty where the site of any naked woman, including their mothers and other family members, gives them a hard on. Adolescence, for many men, can best be described as "my cock often responds inappropriately and is outside of my control and that is terrifying."

I think this is one reason that these really patriarchal societies focus on pregnancy for everything. And why birth control alone is terrifying. If the man can commit incest without impregnating a family member, what is to stop him from having sex with her. And I think this is one reason women have put up with this loss of bodily control and subjugation for millennia- because better to be raped by only one man than by any man, including your fathers, sons, brothers, etc. I think this is why so many women are okay with conservative Christianity. It's societal Stockholm syndrome with the added fear of multiple hostage takers.

And then there is the mother that does too much for her son, laughs everytime he drools, overpraises him, micromanages him, or conversely, the mother that can never be pleased but constantly dominates- except when with her own husband or partner or partners. These men have to have the woman's sexual interest be about them, so they can't pay for sex and they need to be abusive to women because that is part of their "healing" part of the emotional "orgasm" they need.

(If you believe that all adult relationships are based on our first relationships- with our parents or primary caretakers. Like Harville Hendrix, who I am a big adherent of, and who helped me with my own issues. Why so many of these men really need a good Domme, too. They aren't going to get the satisfaction they are looking for until they submit to the powerful sexual female- another thesis.)

And then, finally, men want as much sex as possible with as many partners as possible. I do believe that is their default. They want to see as many naked women as they can, as much sex as they can. Even if they don't fuck around, or go to strip clubs or watch porn, etc. I've met very very few cis men that did not have those desires if given the opportunity to reveal them- and the opportunity really depended on them as individuals. For some it is a drunk girl passed out they can rape, for others it is a safe space conversation (someone like me) etc.

So you take average Joe Blow American, surrounded by this ridiculous toxic culture, living in a society where women have enormous power in comparison to all of human civilisation and most of the current planet, marriage is no longer the way most men can get a lifetime of sex, and there is no singular, or even navigable pathways that are applicable to most men for getting laid, without engaging a sex worker, which is often not possible even if they have the desire and the money. And also carries loads of confusing societal feelings and thoughts.

So these men want to have a lot of experience, but that is impossible for most men to achieve.  And they also have a lot of confusing and complicated feelings about women and the power women have over men sexually and as mother’s- the real root of the Madonna/Whore dichotomy.  

Peace out, peeps. 

VENUS TRANSIT MACRO CONTACT AND DOWNLOAD FROM THE DIVINE

 That Lion's gate portal was interesting.  Maybe it was the Venus transit and the Perseides with a little something extra this year? Not sure, but it has passed, although I am still culling all the "downloads" I got and trying to sort out who all the visitors were. 

One big one came this morning just as I had finished my morning rituals and stretches and stuff, my mind of course flipped to money/adulting/wtf with my life mode and boom!

I don't know that if I'd had a "normal" life this weekend- if I had still been working at that job- that I would have been able to process this. (Not just any job, but that particular job because it was such a mix of mental and physical.)  These magickal/psychic/mystical downloads are like big drop boxes or google takeout or whatever, they can take hours, even days to unpack. 

These things aren't always worded thoughts that are linear.  I'm going to describe the process because for some reason I feel like I should... Maybe in case anyone else has this process but doesn't recognise it?  There is a feeling that precedes it.  The mundane stuff gets pushed aside, and a feeling of ??? wonder/awe/anticipation comes over me.

Then the downloaded files begin.  Today an image of my natal chart and my retro Venus and retro Jupiter.  Jupiter is in detriment and in my 12th House.  When astrologers do my chart there is usually something like "omg how do ever make any money at all?" And one time, a very positive lady said, "Well this is interesting, I guess you knew when you came to this life that you don't really need money.  It's just a symbol, and you knew you would be able to get by without it."  (I didn’t have to have these specific memories, they were just *there* embedded in the image.  I already know what those placements mean. I’m just describing for you, the reader.)

So, then the next thought was something along the lines of "look at most people you know" and it was a bunch of random images, mostly the people I deal with on a regular basis- library workers, store clerks- and then specifically people I know that have worked at the same jobs or in the same profession for decades.  And a comparison of the “sense” or structure of their life versus my crazy haphazard life.

And the worded part was something like "most people do not have the kind of freedom you have had" and or "most people have not had the unstructured time to really dig down into their emotions/minds/souls the way you have."  (Like this very download. Like this very Epiphany.)

And then I saw images of magickal folk I know and have known- specifically my teachers, people I know to be much stronger magickians and witches than I am.  And that was my mind asking a question, I believe, because immediately I could "hear" the answer from the download.  "You seek the same things- magick, mystic, knowledge of the other realms- but we are showing you that you have a rare privilege in this life, and it is not widely available, although it is more available in your current society and the country you are in, than in most other places and times in history."

And again my 12^th House was shown, as a reference to my past lives- and most of the ones I remember I was a man and specifically a soldier or warrior. But the images I was seeing were of solitary hermits and monks living in the woods by themselves, and wives of aristocratic men who were always at war- like medieval ladies in castles that had servants and libraries and a lot of leisure for their lifetimes.  And I am not sure here if these were my past lives- it didn’t feel like it, but I am not sure- or if they were just showing me that at no other time in history could I have been an unmarried woman with no children, living alone, reading through thousands of books. 

And then this last bit was a specific nod to technology- travelling the world without money or advanced astral projection skills, interacting with so many people, etc.  Something I think about pretty often on my own.

And then, the big reveal, and not really sure how this played out because it was so fast- another Epiphany, a burst of light, and it was a jumble of feelings images memories etc. And still having a hard time putting this in words...

So, let's say that I did choose exactly this life, and this natal chart, with these pretty serious restrictions on money (Venus and Jupiter).  And because of other people (all the planets and action in the active or outer part of the chart, plus that Mars/Venus in Aquarius and it's the 7th house). Whether we are friends in this life or not, I am here to engage with certain people, fighting or fucking, either way, and it is contractual.

Jupiter in 12th House is also an indication that the last lifetime was a big one, a famous one.  I feel that, although I am not 100% sure I remember that life.  I do avoid publicity like the plague.  People always want me to be a public leader, but I have never wanted that.  I want to unleash other leaders; I don't want followers.  Recognition from worthy peers and better? Yes. And I would love some fame from writing, but really that is limited fame.  Money to live on well enough to travel more and such? Yes.  My photo in the paper or on the news? No. 

And then the next part was a stream of images/memories of all the gifts and blessings and boons I've been given.  Of all the times I've fallen, some of them hard, and there were people there to catch me or to help me repair from the fall.  And I saw all the people who haven't been caught, who have no one.  I don't even need to walk more than a few blocks to find one.

Then the last bit was the hardest.  All my mistakes, transgressions, lies, embarrassing moments, debts, hurtful things I've done and said to myself and others. 

And then all the times I have made people cringe or become alarmed simply by being myself and being honest.  Not that I necessarily did anything wrong, just that I didn't- don't- behave like other people. And I don’t have a life like other peoples.  Or a “regular” personality.

And then I saw a lot my weird and alarming and downright bad traits in other people- and it was a lot of famous people.  And Donald Trump was there. And seeing some of your own behaviours compared to that POS is not a pleasant morning, but it was accurate-the boasting and the arrogance, and the lack of social skills. How different these things become when you are famous or rich.  How they are accepted and encouraged.  How much growth I would have avoided.

And also, I saw my "audience".  I always think of the people that ran away or became horrified and back away when they see me coming, but this morning I also saw the men (it was mostly men) that became my biggest fans, because I was so honest or authentic or whatever.  And honest about the parts of me that are not socially acceptable and “adult”- the part of me that is the abandoned 3-year-old child, or the part of me that is that little girl in the Piano, having to explain things to the adults, or the whining, unhappy bitch, etc.   

That same thing I see in Trump fans, but about their racism and greed.  He is such a relief to them because he is honest.  No human wants to reject part of themselves.  Racists want to be racist.  Greedy people want to be greedy.  It’s actually the same basic impulse as a gay or trans person coming out.  The desire to live your life as you truly are. But the similarity ends there.  At root all humans are wired the same, but that doesn’t make all desires the same. Because there was a whole other side to that too- where what many people are attracted to is the authenticity, the emotional and personal honesty.  That is why Trump had voters but then lost them. 

I hate that these things come like a ball of light, explode, and make everything clear, and then like a dream begin to recede, and all that is left is this inadequate description.  I mean, for a second it was "Macro awareness" as described in 2150 A.D.  When these downloads unpack everything makes sense, and everything is interconnected, and you just know that whatever happened, or will happen, you are part of something, and it makes sense. You know that you are good and have purpose.

I have been asking for months, maybe a year now "Why am I still here in this incarnation that seems so stuck and going nowhere? What should I be doing? What would make me feel happier? Is there Karma I need to pay off or what?  Who are my people?"  And "What is the fucking purpose of me being stuck here in St Louis- where I fit in about as well as that meme with a garlic clove stuck in a tangerine- while the world boils to death?"

And the answer wasn't what I wanted, but I did finally get an answer.  I didn't incarnate as this person for a comfortable life.  I didn't come for money or fame or love and adoration.  I didn't come to be a big leader and figurehead.  I didn't even come here for *me*.  I came here for these people in my life- and yes, my some were in my family or close friends- but most of the parade of faces and memories were just momentary blips.  Casual encounters. Some I barely remember at all. I few I really dislike and wish I had never met.

And not all of them were me to help them, some of them were for me to experience things my soul or spirit were lacking.  Some were there specifically so that I could fuck up, hurt them, and learn from it. Just as some of the people I was here for had hurt me.

And one of the images- and this only just made sense right now, as I write this- was standing in that church after Ferguson.  Al Sharpton and his people were next to me (I honestly did not recognise him due to his weight loss).  I was so broke then, and I had only 5 copies of a leaflet I'd written to hand out.  But it is my habit, whether I have 5 or 500, to set the intention that I will give them to people that it will have the most impact, that will be most receptive to what I am saying. 

So, one of his people asked for one of my leaflets.  Later, I heard a direct quote from that leaflet in one of his speeches.  (And granted it was not out in left field, but it was almost word for word.) So, my feeling that my efforts are wasted, and I am not reaching enough people?  My words are not wasted.  Better I had handed that leaflet to Al Sharpton, then been on tv saying it myself.   (And same goes for all those months before Ferguson, out trying to talk to people about Metro and taking action to change the buses and such.  And seeing so many of those folks become activists.  I had a part in that, however small.)

And there were other memories, too, of talking to Dan Sheehan of the Christic Institute, of the Berrigan brothers, Donald Woods, and many lesser-known activists that I have raised money for or found journalists to speak to.  One telling me that word of my efforts to get him released had helped him to fight suicidal thoughts in jail.  And people, especially young black men, in places Nickerson Gardens and Cabrini Green that told me that I was the only white person that had ever acknowledged racism, or even had a conversation with them.  (Meaning not just a white teacher or policeman telling them what to do.)

Now that I have recorded all of this, I am more certain than ever that this was Venus.  Even without the Lion’s Gate Portal there is a precedence for spontaneous Macro contact during these Venus transits.  In fact, the first one I ever had was spontaneous.  Doing magick at Topanga Beach one Sunday morning during the full moon in Capricorn during the transit in 2004 and the Harmonic Concordance.  (And the description of that experience was what led someone to give me a copy of the book 2150 A.D. which immediately became my “bible” of sorts, and roadmap for the future of humans on planet earth.)

I don’t know if this is just more of my blethering or if this will be of use to others.  I thought that especially the actual process might be helpful.  I know that I would have likely missed this and not been able to process it if I had had to go to a regular job at 8 AM.  I might have gotten some of it, but it would not have had that Macro contact or bright flash of illuminating light.

I won’t know for a few days, and probably not until the Autumn Equinox, if this will change anything for me, but I will just keep trying to remain open and loving.  And to keep that Macro perspective as best I can. (If you’ve never experienced it, I can only describe it as a kind of spiritual orgasm.  Or being in love but your soul in love with the Universe, and all of it- even the parts you don’t like.

I hope the last few weeks have brought you some gifts as well. Xxoo

PS - just wanted to mention that the actual Epiphany- the experience of all this, is minutes.  But it takes hours, sometimes days, to write it all down and really sort it all out. 

LOTS OF HITS AND THE VENUS TRANSIT

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My blog has had a lot of activity in the last week or so, and especially this weekend.  (Even before I posted yesterday.) 

I read through all the posts that had been viewed.  Always interesting to go back over my growth and fluctuations.  I really need to edit these things more, but if I stop to do that I won't ever post them. So I just keep selfishly posting all this frothy blathering...

Here's some more lol

A little painful to read anything before 2016 and the big shift that happened that year.  (And now, looking back, I realise that what happened in 2016 was a precursor to 2020- not just Covid.  And in one post I feel something "revolutionary" building in June July of 2016 and I think it was the Trump movement.  This would have been psychic, not that the January 6th attack had been planned yet, just that it was coming into being.) 

Anyhow, I no longer think that 2150 A.D. (the book by Thea Alexander) is the most likely outcome for planet earth.  In fact, now I think that it will probably take place either in another realm (a reality based on a different arrangement of atoms- many of the "other worlds" are right on top of us, like onion skins).

Reading this post was especially jolting though, because it was just this January.  

https://laladyrae.blogspot.com/2023/01/life-is-just-living.html

Most days I still wake up and wonder why the Divine thinks I should remain in this incarnation.  But in the last few months I have really seen how my "crazy" affects things.  And for the better, even if it doesn't always seem that way at first. 

And usually doesn't, or doesn't necessarily, affect me in a positive way, or how I want.  

But that's part of it, this life, isn't it?  Not really knowing why you are here, but having faith that whatever it is you are doing, on the "other side" it will make sense.  And on the other side is there is no Time, and all that is, was, or could be or will never be is all present.  And everything that happened in this life you already knew before you were born.  You agreed to it.  You came and you knew you would hate it or love it. 

That's if, I think, you are a player.  More and more I am accepting the idea that a lot of the people on this planet are NPC's (Non Playing Characters).  And I use that to mean that whether they are successful or a hideous mess, they are programmed and they cannot change things or go a different route. They can only react in certain ways. 

Like when you play a video game.  You can keep asking that character that only has three movements and two different responses a question and you are never gonna get a different answer.  If they are programmed to walk a certain direction and you stand in their way, they will keep walking into you. 

I also came to accept recently the idea of "animal spirits" - spirits that are entirely earth based humans with no touch of the Holy Spirit (the Great Mother) and or that have no afterlife with a Divinity and or that have very limited Free Will.  These folks might use the primate brain, but the higher soul is not present or is not strongly present. (I think these are the easiest targets for possession by spirits or demons, which if you read my Reversing Harmon post you know "demons" are actually the spirits - of dead Nephilim.)  https://laladyrae.blogspot.com/2023/04/the-watcher-angels-and-jesus.html

In some ways the animal spirit is better.  It is suited to this earthly life.  And having a Higher Spirit does not make you better here.  We are all human here on this planet and in this life, and this does not change how we should treat each other.  But recognizing this has made it a little easier for me. I am not spending any time fighting them. 

Find your Kindred among the other players. That is what is most important to me right now.  (And getting prepped for climate change fluctuations and the new normal.) So I am glad this blog is getting hits.  Maybe some more Kindred will find me. 

And for anyone reading this, I hope I have things to say of value that help make life on this planet better.  And if that means some of the people reading this don't like me or don't agree, well, I'm just gonna assume that is part of the larger Divine plan. 

And that I agreed to all of this life, every moment, before I came.  All of the possibilities, including one where the human species does not successfully transition to a higher consciousness, producing the world as seen in  the book 2150 A.D. 

And one of the gifts I have received from this Venus Transit and Lionsgate Portal is the insistent message "Heaven is here on Earth."  Everything I seek in the next world is available in this life.

I got this from the Orb church page.  https://orb.church/#main

It seems accurate.