Wednesday, November 30, 2011


There are no beliefs that I have held in the past that serve me anymore regarding relationships and sex and love.

I have been actively breaking as many of my past habits and thought patterns as I can uncover.  This has been very liberating.

It has also kind of left me at a loss as to how to proceed.

Under the code of the new operating system is an avowal to turn away from negative feelings as quickly as possible.  Not to repress or deny or justify them, to simply turn away. Let them go, without a sense of loss.  All arguments, resentments, "wrongs" etc.

It turns out that in matters of sex and romance my inability to turn away from unhappy feelings is sometimes because I can't let go of the individual person.  I want to be in love (or "in fantasy") with THAT particular person.  I want there to be a one and only soulmate so that I don't have worry that I made the wrong choice or ever be tempted again. 

I want to make a choice now so that I never have to choose again.  I want someone to agree to grow a that same rate and in a compatible direction with me, so that I know I will never be lonely, or, at least, I will never be alone.

And that doesn't seem realistic.

I don't have control over another person.  And while being alone can be lonely sometimes, it is often lonely being in a relationship, too.  And growth is more important to me.

If I really, really love someone, whether in a romantic way or otherwise, don't I want what is best for them? And if what is best for them is to not be in my life, shouldn't I be as happy at their parting as their arrival?

And from there I understand that I do not believe there could be another such wonderful person.  And then from there that perhaps I have some doubts about myself, or insecurities that I am not "good" enough for someone so wonderful. Or that I did something to mess it up. And perhaps can't forgive myself, or trust myself to move on.

Maybe I want to be "right".

None of these negative feelings go towards what I want, which is to prepare for and be ready to accept another equally or more wonderful person into my life when I have absorbed all of the understanding and expansion of myself from this experience.

It does not have to be sad. It is just old habits and useless thought patterns. And patience and understanding for myself during the parts where I stumble, and do feel sad. To just move on and look for the something better as quickly as possible.  Refocus on the things in the moment that I do like, that make me happy.

I am also now in a situation where I live with no expectation of anyone being in my life longer than is beneficial.  And if it is not beneficial for one, it really cannot be beneficial to both.  There is no power in living off another person. Vampires pay a price and live only in the dark.  I want to be able to walk in the sunshine. Even riding off into the sunset doesn't work for me.

I would not want to be in a relationship with someone because of shared property or comfort and give up my spiritual, emotional, or sexual growth.  And the promise of commitment really needs to be to one's own self.

And I am okay with the loneliness that sometimes accompanies this lifestyle, but what wears me out are the jealous and possessive feelings.  They crop up in the strangest places.  Inappropriate times and places and people.Sometimes without warning.

And so often regarding sex.  How could the person I love/lust/desire/crush even THINK about another person?  And then there is the loss of, or fear of the loss of, physical affection.  It is a sad day when awesome orgasms go away! But it seems that they go away even if I stay in the relationship.  And why would I deny someone I love the opportunity to have awesome orgasms with someone else?

And especially in a committed relationship? Why

Marriage and commitment is really about sex.  Sexual attraction is often mistaken for love.  Lust for another person is the ultimate betrayal.  There are people that cannot handle knowing their partners had sex with anyone other person-- even before they met.

Believing that another person is your one and only and forever and all lifetimes is why it hurts so much and feels like you are gonna die during a bad breakup. The belief that someone else was the sole proprietor of those good feelings. That something outside of oneself has power over life's goodness.

I have felt those really intense, irrational feelings before.  Stalking, crazy psycho death bitch from hell. It is because of her that I embarked on this journey to rid myself of unpleasant feelings. Psycho bitch usually emerged when I was unconsciously engaged in finding a relationship that would "complete" me, because I felt I was lacking.

(And then I attracted someone lacking, and continued to focus on the lack, making it worse and worse.  And even if someone did come along to "complete" me, once completed, it was time for me to move on.)

So I am already predisposed to viewing these needy feelings as coming from an undesirable place. Even in the beginning stages of attraction when they feel good, I am wary of them.  If they become to overwhelming, even in a good way, I now try to redirect, or if I have to, disengage, when I feel any jealousy, or speculation.

I know many people that have said they got married to be sure they never had to be without sex. Men and women.  And I really understand that. Regular sex is the most desirable aspect of monogamy, in my opinion.

I also understand that there is a real growth and beautiful mystery in committing to cultivate one relationship at the exclusion of all others.  I also understand the need for commitment in a relationship with children.

But all of this heartache and jealousy and guilt and possessiveness!

Why isn't sex like eating? Or pooping? Or breathing? It is a strong creative and vital force.  We have birth control now.  Why do we continue to feel like we have to regulate and control sex?

I certainly have not been completely monogamous in most situations. Is it that I am so fickle in my affections that I worry my lover is going to run off, like I sometimes do?

And, again, I cannot control anything another person does.  Manipulate, perhaps. Sometimes. But to no satisfaction.  

I don't want to feel possessive of someone else.

Really, why should I be jealous if someone I love is in love with someone else? If there is really only one person that can fulfill my needs or desires at any given time, I hope it is me. Because I have not had much luck controlling the behaviour of other people-- much less another person's feelings!

So, if someone enters my life, it is because of mutual attraction.  Not because I have made their approval or attention or feelings more important than my own.  So why do I expect-- in the form of jealousy and heartache-- another person to make my feelings and desires more important than their own?  Especially someone that I purport to love?

I hope you weren't reading this all to the end, waiting for a big happy ride off into the sunset conclusion.

If you were, it is 42. ;o)

Saturday, November 26, 2011


Now that I have come to understand what a great role my thoughts and feelings play in the world that I inhabit, my "reality", I understand the value of failing at something.  Especially something I have failed at repeatedly.

Now I see that whenever I try something new, and it doesn't work out, I am just learning how to get better at focusing and creating what I want. And there are some things that are more difficult for me than others.  Those same situations that keep popping up, even though the names and places might have changed.

A situation I don't like might be post-manifestational awareness that I have been mis-creating.  An opportunity for me to reevaluate, refine, refocus. Unhappy feelings are just the warning sign that I separated myself from Source, from my own Inner Being, from God/dess. A chance to ask myself "what do I want?" And the answer will be very clear, when I am in the position of knowing what I definitely don't want.

Where I used to cry and moan for a saviour or salvation to come from the outside and "rescue" me, I now look for the "rescue" thought and feeling inside of me. What is the next better feeling thought I can find? What feels a little better than how I feel now?

Somewhere underneath the mud and muck is the golden brick road that leads to the fertile green land that I seek.

The good feelings and good feeling thoughts are the stepping stones that, moment to moment, will lead me to where I want to be.

If you don't believe that reality is created through your own thoughts, or that you choose your experiences buffet-style from the reality you are experiencing, or even that how you feel is a decision, and happiness is a choice that you must keep making, I understand.
You might live in a world that is ruled by a God or by arbitrary Nature.  It might be a reality that is the same for everyone. Perhaps it can be explained through a holy book or through scientific observation, but in this world you do not have any control over what comes to you. 

You might live in a world where unpleasant things are destined to happen in unknown quantities, but always to happen in some measure.  And that there is no way to turn them away, or find value in them.  That they can only bring harm and suffering.

I lived in that world for many years.  I have great respect for it, and am well acquainted with its parameters. It is never far from me, and frequently overtakes me, like drowsiness can come upon you in field of poppies.

But I just keep reminding myself that even if I do share the same reality with everyone, and have little or no control over it, still, how much better to have a compass that points at what I want? Still, how much better to view each failure as another step towards success?

How much better- in any circumstance, in any situation, in any reality!-- to have the image in my mind of what I want?

Then everything I look at will be seen through the lens of what I want, making the joy that is possible in any moment come forward clearly.

And I do believe that we create our reality, through our thoughts and our feelings and our awareness.  I do believe that what we can see in our minds we can draw to us in our outer lives.  I do believe that feelings, that emotions, are the "Guidance System" that lets us know if we are really in tune with who we are.

Everything has a nature of attracting towards itself.  If you are looking for a football player, you are more likely to find him on the field, playing the game.  You can be sure he will know of others like himself.  And know them in much greater detail than you.

Look for what you want, and you will find more and more of it.

I have learned that when I stumble it is only because the path is covered up with my own lack of faith, or fear, or resentment, or guilt.  I have to look harder for the spots of gold to lead me.

I have to let myself stumble. 

That I have stumbled over this part so many times in only an indication that it is an important part of the journey.

I can't let someone else take me down their path.  I can't have anyone else determine what is yellow brick, and what might be a smear of paint on an old highway.

Every failure is an opportunity to improve on my future success.

Every stumble is still a step.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


...not cheese.. ;o)

Last night was a grand party in the moonlight, here and on the astral plane.

Here, there was a superbright planet Mars and a real close asteroid.

On the astral there was a party hosted by two of the greatest pairs of lovers, ever.  The Lord and the Lady, on this night the as the Sun and Moon (sun-moon opposition, or full moon), and Mars and Venus (The Host and Hostess of this sun-moon opposition, as the Rulers of the Houses of Scorpio and Taurus).

The party went from the Autumn square in the Four Seasons, and was celebrated by the Fae and the Five Elemental Kingdom, to the bottom of the deepest depths and otherworldly portals of the ocean, and all the way to the entrance to the Underworld.

The whole planet was glowing green and pink, like the Heart Chakra of the Galaxy.  And in that light everything was clear.  And the golden nets that lay like lattice over the planet were lifted, and the moonlight fell with dense precision, like the lightening bolt that strikes the crumbling tower.

Venus was demonstrating to me how to remove all the envy and jealousy from green, so that all remained was the power of growth and nurturing and creativity.

At that bright moment, as the nets were lifted, and all the fears and obstacles and problems swam away into the mouths of circling sharks, never to be seen again, I understood what the Lady was showing me.

I saw that she who embodies and inspires Love, and creativity and growth-- sometimes through destruction-- cannot be jealous of that Love's expression.  To have this fear be lifted, and be able to love freely and without possession, to be certain that there is enough for everyone: that is to receive the Goddess.

And the Goddess does not need to hoarde this power for herself.  She would be lonely.  By allowing that each person on earth contains the multitudes needed to satisfy the worship of any thousands of Dieties, we are all free.

As the heart is possessed of unlimited Love, the soul is possessed of unlimited Spirit.

To know that is to have true power.

Monday, November 7, 2011


People always tell me how strong I am, like that means I don't get hurt. Actually, if you are strong you get hurt worse. The hydra doesn't eat you right away, you have to fight it, and all of its multiplying heads.
But I will tell you something else, the most important thing: I am not strong because I am not afraid, or because I fight, I am strong because somehow I always remember that Love is the most powerful force on earth. Sometimes I might forget for awhile, but my strength is knowing that Love is the only real power. 
That is my Samhain gift to you: Love.
 Happy Magickal New Year!!!

Sunday, November 6, 2011


Samhain begins tonight, 6 November, at sunset, until tomorrow night, 7 November, if you are in the Western Hemisphere (Canada/North Central and South America).  If you are across the pond then your Samhain is actually from sunset on the 7th til sunset on the 8th. (See my last post for the explanation of what Samhain really is and how to calculate it. )

This is the last "day" of the old magickal year, and for me, this New Magickal Year will also be known as Year One of the New Age.  

Not too long ago I was talking to someone -- a non-magickal person-- and I was explaining my views that the fiction novel 2150 A.D. was actually an accurate vision of our future, that I felt that I would live to see that future in my current incarnation, and that in this future all people would be like Jesus (have supernatural powers, have love for all mankind, and teach compassion and understanding).

The man I was talking to said, "You think humans are going to do all that in just 140 years?"

I replied no, that it would take humans 2150 years.  (It took him a moment.)

The Mayans were not wrong about this being "the end of the world as they knew it."  Until 100 years ago a time traveller from the distant past would have still been able to function in our world.  There were steam engines true, but in the last 100 years humans have altered themselves and the planet to such a degree as to be almost unrecognisable.

There are now more of us than any other species outside of insects.  We are capable of feeding the entire planet.  We can go to outer space in our physical bodies.  (Those Mayans got there much faster and easier via astral projection, in fact, tonight, don't be surprised if you bump into the Mayan calendar crew here via astral projection.  Moreover, a lot of the ghosts people see are actually astral travellers, Mayan or otherwise.)

My ritual tonight will include the familiar things: letters to the dead, flowers and candy and candles lit as offerings to the spirits of my ancestors and those loved ones that have left this physical realm.  It will include a toast to my own immortality with beets and grapefruits, and pomegranate that I might pass easily between the worlds and remain fertile in mind and body.

I will end my pre-Samhain fast from alcohol and have a drink with the living and the dead.  I will  divine the future, bless and release all old fears, resentments, angers, and guilts from the past (de-FRAG).

I will roam the astral plane with the spirits and entities and gather power and strength to make it through the chaos that is coming as we globally create a new world, a new and better world.  I will close the doors on all illness, poverty, and lack that I can find, and open the doors to greater abundance.

I will send out my blessings to all that I love, and especially to places like Findhorn Garden in Scotland, and the Old North Community Gardens here in St. Louis.  This I see will be the most difficult for the non-magickal people, finding clean and nutritious food over the next 7 years, and the stronger the community (and magickal) gardens, the better.  I do have faith that we can clean up the planet, but I don't know that it is going to be easy.

Many people that are stuck in rigid belief systems will have a problem as witches and others begin to demonstrate powers that had been formally seen only among "Gods".  Our governments and leaders are mostly ruled by fear and greed and lack. As New Age leaders emerge and more people become psychic, the divisions between us will temporarily seem much greater.

The Darth Vaders of the world will not be happy to see the Jedi's gaining strength and power.  And even Darth Vader was once a Jedi.  For muggles, Harry Potter is as frightening as Lord Voldemort.  Compassion for the fearful is a necessity.  It is their world that is dying.  Allow them to mourn, even as we celebrate the birth of the New Age.

Centre yourself in Love.  In the Macrocosmic Oneness of all.  "Crossing Over" really means becoming one with all of humanity; returning to the one great Human Spirit from whence we all come and all return.

The truth is, we are often closer to our enemies than our friends.  Often our greatest lessons come from those that oppose us. We all learn more from what we don't like, than what we do.  Discord brings diversity, and diversity brings health and a greater abundance of choices.

If you keep yourself clear of negative emotions, then no one with harmful intent can touch you.  Meditate on this tonight with me, if you'd like.

Blessed Be.  And Happy New Year!