THE UGLY MIRROR

I've had a number of spirits that remained after Samhain.  (They stay through Yule... sometimes Epiphany, but that may be by special arrangement, not sure on that.)

I've been having some really healing conversations, which means that I have to look in what I call "the ugly mirror".  A lot of people that don't have psychic abilities think that it would be "cool" to read minds, or see yourself as others see you, and I can assure you that for the most part it is not. 

And for me, the kind of person I am (that alone would be enough), plus all of my damage, my strange childhood, and, as I am realizing more and more, probably some sort of autism.  Sometimes I cannot figure out what I said or did wrong.  I don't understand normal social cues, and almost never understand social hierarchies. 

And I often speak carelessly, without thought for other's feelings- even when I understand those feelings.  And a lot of times I don't.  Usually someone has to hurt me in the same way I hurt someone else for me to finally understand.  

On October 14th of this year, a few weeks before Samhain, I had a spirit show up that was a man, that I knew from my past, that I had not seen in many years. Usually spirits show up after about a year, but not always. So I wasn't sure if it was someone that had died just that week, or a year ago October, or as many as 8 years ago.  And as the Samhain early arrivals came in, it got more difficult to distinguish individual voices.  (That scene in the movie Ghost with the dead surrounding Whoopi Goldberg is not wrong.  It's just normally spirits do not talk to each other. Usually they cannot see or hear each other at all, with some exceptions, including Samhain parties like mine.)

Well, last night I think I figured out who it was.  Someone I knew when I was 16.  And that haven't seen in decades.  Something happened between us that I should have kept to myself, and I did not.  And being young, and being me, I thought the event itself is what drove us apart.  

And my careless words, that he paid a price for (and yes, when the dead deliver a message it often comes with the full experience of their feeling), were spoken 40 years and three or four days ago.  I'd found myself thinking about the event and him recently, but not made the connection until my mind was suitably blank for receiving such a big (and kind of devastating) conversation. 

I apologized, of course, but I feel horrible.  And probably will for awhile.  I really didn't know any better.  I was just a child, and a mess.  I am still a mess. A grown mess now lol. 

Part of what is so hard about this - of all encounters like this- is seeing myself through someone else's eyes.  And seeing the horrid parts, the ugly mirror, isn't always what is so difficult.  

It's how the person saw me BEFORE I was behaved horribly.  And, not just that the person saw me as wonderful and really cared for me, but also that people see this one side of me- the bright light, the life of the party, the big smile.  

If I were only that, what an easy life I'd have.  I don't know why I am so crazy and complicated, weird and alarming, ruthless and cruel.  But I am.  

When I have these encounters, I am grateful.  But I also really understand why most people wait until they are dead to have these exchanges.  It is much easier to reconcile when one is on the other side and doesn't have to get up in the morning and deal with mundane things.  When how you feel about yourself isn't going to affect your day to day earthly life and survival.  When you are outside of time and can spend what would translate to months or years in emotional processing without feeling the weight of it in each linear moment. 

I often stand in front of the real mirror, doing my Louise Hay "I love and approve of myself unconditionally."  A mantra and a practice that has made my life so much better.  Without the last 16 years of Louise Hay's teachings in my life, I doubt if I would have been able to handle this reconciliation at all.  There is no way for me to view this and see myself in a good light. 

Now, as soon as I am able to process his feelings about all of this, and fully accept my responsibility in the consequences he faced for my actions, I will have to stand in front of the Ugly Mirror and do the forgiveness mantra.  Forgiving one's self is as important as forgiving another. 

And it is often more difficult. But I must try.  The theme of this year's Samhain- and this whole magickal year, until next Samhain- is forgiveness.  I'd been thinking of all the wrongs done to me, and being the Forgiver.  Hmph.  Like when you do a prosperity spell, one of the first things that will happen is that any loan or debt you have will come due.  

xxoo 

STILL BANNED ON FACEBOOK

It's funny, but I mostly miss sharing stuff.  Not the reactions, the sharing.  I love it when there is a comment or something, but that is not why I am there.  I read a lot of these articles about how dangerous social media is, or how fake, etc.  To me it's that most people do not fully grasp that most of the relationships on social media only exist in that venue.  Like work friendships.  Once you change jobs almost all of those relationships will go away. 

But the other thing about social media is, the relationship is always one of performer and audience.  My "shares" are the performance, the likes and comments are the audience.  My page is really a "show" that my "audience" likes.  

I love my facebook friends, but one of the reasons I love all 500 people- an amount far exceeding what I am able to maintain in any other relationship venue- is that I am not obligated to be there. And vice versa. (If someone really needs to reach me they will text or call or email me.  Messenger is far too invasive and battery draining to put on my cheap phone.  I don't even use the facebook app on my phone.)

And like Google and all of these other platforms that sell advertising, everything I share is being analyzed and processed for advertising meta-data.  The more memes I share about wealth inequality, the more advertisers and executives have to pay attention to it.  (Or, more accurately, ignore it.) 

And you don't have to have a lot of followers to have impact.  Quite the opposite.  Big influencers are appealing to the masses and generating a lot of advertising revenue.  But if you are what I call an "originator" you may not have a big following, but you are the origin of trends and stories. 

(These are the accounts the alphabet agencies routinely ask social media companies like facebook to stop promoting.  Facebook recently made a lot of changes to their feed and pages so that only people that generated income were promoted.  And while complaining about Biden and Trump is still fine, if you are a progressive or radical, you probably have seen a significant drop in responses to your pages, and an increase in jail time for small infractions.  I've noticed this particularly among my fb friends and pages that support Palestine and denounce Israel.  Even though all of these pages are also strongly anti-semitic, and many are Jewish people themselves.)  

I am going to move to Mastodon and Redditt. But I am also thinking that instead of *more* social media, I might just go back to blogging like this. I have about 20 people on fb that I interact with regularly, and about 200 regular lurkers that rarely like or comment, but share my stuff or talk to me about it in person. I can manage that just as well from here. 

Here are somethings I really wanted to share today:

I'd really like to see some ejaculation bans introduced into state legislatures this session:
https://www.msn.com/en-us/entertainment/news/letters-to-the-editor-what-ejaculate-responsibly-should-look-like-for-men-post-roe/ar-AA14s94C?ocid=winp1taskbar&cvid=6816ba365d6c4da39c22c97c122a3256

This made me tear up. So thankful they did this:
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2022/11/21/colorado-springs-nightclub-shooting-police-identify-victims-pronouns/10753214002/

LAST YEAR'S ECLIPSE MEMORY (THAT I CANNOT RE SHARE ON FACEBOOK BECAUSE OF GEORGIA O'KEEFFE'S NIPPLES)

This came up in my facebook memories.  I can't re-share it.  

This was was the second blood moon eclipse I had seen, and if you ever get the chance to see one, it is worth it getting up in the middle of the night.  (The one 11 days ago, on the 8th, it was overcast when I got up at 5 AM to see the apex.)

***

  Shared with Your friends

Well the eclipse was beautiful and here is my crappy photo that does not capture it at all. It was almost exactly 3:03, the apex of the eclipse.

 

It looks black and white but the crescent part was a beautiful gold light, and the eclipsed part was sort of a dark rose gold (more orangey than the blood moon) and beautiful and otherworldly.

 

Also, it changed the whole palette of the night sky- including the nearby stars- making their light steady looking, like planets, instead of twinkly.

STUFF I WOULD POST ON FACEBOOK IF I WEREN'T RESTRICTED...

 ... for re-posting a memory that facebook suggested I share.  (Of Georgia O'Keeffe's bare breasts in a photo Alfred Stieglitz had taken of her.) 

When I saw it in my feed I thought "well, I guess Georgia's boobies aren't sexy enough to be offensive."

Facebook is ridiculous.  I need to get on Redditt and Mastodon. 

Here is some stuff I wish I could post, just so I would have a record of it:

https://twitter.com/PDChina/status/1592891305721372673?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1592891305721372673%7Ctwgr%5Ebb9b430e74e2169c47827d80857ff8c5d9802db2%7Ctwcon%5Es1_c10&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fnews.yahoo.com%2Fa-flock-of-sheep-has-been-walking-in-a-circle-for-12-days-and-nobody-knows-why-weird-203957793.html

Also this, from March. 

https://youtu.be/Q2NeRxjYiTI

FACEBOOK AND THE FEAR OF NIPPLES

I am restricted from using any of my accounts for 6 days for re-posting a photo of Georgia O'Keefe that Steiglitz took of her.  Her breasts are bare.  You can't really see her nipples.  You couldn't really see Chesty Morgan's either- I got banned for those awhile back.  

Once they target you, everything you post becomes an issue.  And if you have a lot of lurking haters that can't wait for you to post something that gets reported, well...

Gonna switch over to Redditt.  The convos I want to have seem to be happening on Redditt. I just stay on fb because so many people I know are on there.  

FB has restricted me not just on that account, but on all my accounts. 

The real problem with Facebook is that they cannot figure out how to make the product pay to purchase itself.  And they are all greedy fucks that can never have enough money and profits. So like all capitalists they have to keep expanding. 

Social media, like utilities and internet, and big stores and services like Wal-Mart and Amazon, should belong to the people.  They should be public co-ops.  They shouldn't be a way for lazy men to make gobs of money and calling it "working". 

Anyhow. here is a link to a similar picture.  I can't find the one I posted.  I got it off another post on Facebook last year!!!! LOL

https://www.artsy.net/article/artsy-editorial-alfred-stieglitzs-sensual-photographs-georgia-okeeffe-reveal-vulnerability

Remember, kids, nothing is more powerful than the "female" body- the body of the person with ovaries and a vagina and a uterus.  If people with ovaries claimed their power we could rule the world.  And do it much better than the Sperm people. 

That's why they ban us, exploit us, strip naked, rape us, make us cover up, shame us, don't let us abort, force us to sterilize, and try to control everything about us. 

Here's my nipples back in 2005.  Just to assert the power of The Nipple. 

THE PLACE OF TRUTH

 When someone would die the Fochlacán (Bards) would say "Tá sé/sí in áit na fírinne anois."

"He/she is in the place of truth now."

I think a lot of the old fears about Samhain (SG: Samhuinn) were because the living fear the honesty of the dead. 

Every year there are difficult conversations and feelings to work through.  The ugly reflection in the mirror must be faced.  There must be a spiritual accounting that takes place, a balance of karma and forgiveness.  

I've been so preoccupied with the election, and some other issues in my life, that even though I put out food and cast a Circle and said the names for the last two nights, it is really only tonight that I have been able to fully focus. Tonight is the last night.  (Samhain is three "days" that begin at sunset, so until tomorrow, Thursday, at sunset.)

I apologize to my guests for putting out so many of the same foods- and most of it is snacks, healthy or otherwise- each night.  I only had non-alcoholic drink one night, other than water and coffee and tea.  

And, once again, I forgot a cigarette.  I have been thinking about smoking so much lately, craving it, that I think part of this was self-defense.  I know there is a butt out in my car, in the nether regions between the seats and the console.  But I don't know that I will go fetch it.  

I won't go fetch it because all the spirits are being so nice and I am exhausted.   Usually there are some complaints, said politely and all, but this year my grandmother has not said one word about the atrocious state of my house.  Or that while I spent this year preparing many lists and things, but when it came to this week, I can't find anything. I didn't even set up my Samhain altar properly. 

It kind of worries me a little, that everyone is being so kind. My grandmother pointed out that simply the act of pouring the drinks and preparing the snacks, no matter what they were, were a kind of ritual.  My ex-boyfriend and some of the other smokers told me it wasn't that big a deal, that the year goes by in the blink of an eye, and they didn't miss it. (Liars, lol.) 

It's funny, but this year I feel like many of them came on my account and not on theirs.  Part of that may be that  great bulk of them shifted in 2020 and 2021.  There is more than one level to the after-life. 

And so many, too many, folks that have died in the last ten years were well acquainted with my Samhain celebrations from reading my posts on facebook.  They know the protocol, and have no hesitation in asking for things.  In the last two years I have acquired a spirit that always wants acv and honey.  (My rule of thumb is, if you can only do one offering, that will be appropriate for almost everyone, throughout all of history, it is honey. So that is already out. Last year and the year before I mixed an ACV/honey shot, this year I just have the components out.) 

Someone also asked for vitamins this year and last. I think it is the same man- but cannot figure out who exactly.  One of two, that died with in 12 months of each other, from here and both musicians, though of a wildly different sort.  And there is someone here that loves figs and always asks for them. 

For my grandmother, Nonny, my best friend Sean, and my dearest friend and roommate, "Roomie", I try to make or get something they particularly like.  This year the best I could manage was my grandmother's spinach casserole, which is just coming out of the oven as I write this. 

Part of Samhain isn't just a verbal conversation with the deceased, it is that activities or things that remind you of the person that become infused with that person's energy in a visceral way.  And if it is your blood relatives, like my grandmother, I become very aware of everything I inherited from her.  I don't just mean looks or traits, I mean the way I scrape every bit of spinach and sour cream out of the mixing bowl- how in everything I make I try to waste nothing.    

I am always grateful for a visit from my Teacher who was a great Mage.  He tells me that the Truth is fluid and changes as we change.  This year the Truth I needed was to hear that I am okay when I cannot do my best, and that there is time. Plenty of time, and to relax and enjoy the company of others, whether they are living or dead, and stop focusing on these other things.  (Which is ironic given that in years past he has urged me to follow ritual and protocol.)

He also reminded me that Samhain is the future for the living, the way death is our future.  We will move onto the next world, and from there to further beyond.  But we will always be able to return to this incarnation and those that we loved.  In the future we will be able to visit the past.  We will be able to come back this earthly life through the memories of others. 

It's quite a lot, isn't it? I'm overwhelmed, as I always am by Samhain's visitors and revelations. 

If you are wondering if I remember your loved ones, I do.  I try to remember every person I have known that has passed, and even though there are people I have fallen out with, rest assured your dearly departed will always find the warmth and light of candle flame and plate of (weird snack) food, and drink at my house.  

But maybe not a cigarette...Not this year, anyhow.

Well, I am going to watch some Buffy with my Buffy fans that are on the other side, and we are all going to have some spinach casserole.  

xxoo peeps 

My grandparents - they were the same age but this is all I have- my grandmother at 16 and grandfather probably 30 or so?

FRANCES FORD COPPOLA'S SAMHAIN

My grandmother and other ancestor spirits aren't here.  Tonight is not the first night of Samhain.  Plenty of spirits are here though. Also, many gather at the "gates" and or near the veil, or at the elevators, etc. (I was going to start making offerings tonight, anyhow, because I was going to do the full moon tonight, as the eclipse will need to be celebrated tomorrow night.)

My arguments about Samhain is not that people shouldn't celebrate when they feel is right.  If your spirits are there and it is the night you can do it, go for it. They will always appreciate offerings, memories, And you can always talk to the dead.

(They can hear you, but there are a lot of prohibitions about what they can say to you. A lot of people cannot or do not want to hear the dead or have the dead invade or take up too much space in this world. For many folks, the spirits of the dead are like zombies, consuming resources, if not brains, and creating emotions- like fear of death, sadness about death, regret.  Better to limit them to a few times a year- Samhain, birthday, death day, anniversaries.)

I never would have begun the path to find the origins of Samhain if I hadn't felt the spirits as a child.  Seen them shifting in the dark out in the street, when my grandmother propped open the storm door to go get more firewood on the porch. 

Felt that knowledge rise up from my 7 or 8 year old subconscious: "The real Halloween happens a week later."  But that also scared me a little as a child and a teenager.  And I had no one to talk to about all of these things. When I embraced the spiritual life and my abilities, and began pursuing the Craft and the various deities and entities outside of the Christian pantheon, I found that very very few people that celebrated Samhain could say what it was, how it had begun, or how they knew that Halloween was the proper date, etc. That includes modern day Druids and heavily pedigreed magickal folk. 

And it still bothers me that people will insist that "there are many ways of calculating Samhain" or tell me something they heard from other modern day pagans, or insist that a re-enactment of traditions from post-Christian Celtic countries was the origins.  

It's like Francis Ford Coppola calling his version of Dracula "Bram Stoker's Dracula."  I love that movie.  So much! Gary Oldman's Dracula made me swoon. I loved even Keanu's bad accent.  

But that was NOT Bram Stoker's Dracula.  That was Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula.  (Dracula pursued Lucy and Mina- and Renfield!- to mess with his tormentors.  To get back at Jonathon and Van Helsing.  While they were out hunting Dracula, the vampire was sneaking into their own bedchambers.  Dracula himself was a dead cold corpse.  He was scary and disgusting and evil.  That's Bram Stoker's Dracula.)

The studio used this title to distinguish the film from all the other Draculas.  To make it seem more authentic. 

That is how I feel about calling Halloween Samhain. Calling your Samhain ritual on Halloween a Samhain celebration, etc, that is fine, but insisting that it is Samhain is another thing altogether. 

Samhain is a genuine Mystery.  Maybe one of the few remaining.  And people know that.  They feel it.  That is why they keep invoking its name.