19 years old (gumroad.com)
"Thanks for the video, you have managed to combine the
two major forces powering the internet, cat videos and porn"
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
So that is now my tagline pitch!!!! Only $5 for the two major forces combined!!!!
I would also like to say, that I have only sold about 5 or 6
copies, one person paid VERY generously, and I have gotten a few gifts. It's not really porn, and I am not rolling in
dough from exploiting my young body. (I
hear this a lot from people "well you think you can just sell your tits on
the internet" etc.
Um, no.
I do try, but I am actually not fond of being in front of
the camera- would much rather be behind it, directing, or writing the script.
When that video was made I hated my body, thought I was horribly fat because my
stomach wasn't flat and I had a line of dimpled cellulite just below my ass.
And also, at the time, I was "Red Rachael" the
communist. I was desperate to reject and
overcome my issues from being an abandoned child, desperate for male attention
and love. At puberty when I figured out
I could have almost all the male attention I wanted if I just let them have sex
I did. (The men and boys that didn't
take advantage of me are in the
minority.)
By the time the communists showed up in fall of 1981 I'd had
my fill of men that were users, abusive, narcissists. I'd been raped a number of times, once by two
men, and strangled twice (one was the two men).
And I hadn't had an orgasm myself once. I'd learned to moan and pretend early
on, because oftentimes the man would orgasm then and the sex would finally be
over. (When I finally did have an orgasm
I was on my own, reading an article in Cosmopolitan magazine on how to
masturbate- also something I had never done before except as a show.)
So my feelings about my body, sex, men, etc, were all very
confusing. And in 1992, when I had a suicidal nervous breakdown and went into
therapy, I also discovered that I was not Andrea Dworkin, or someone like Linda
Lovelace. (I call that period of my life- between 12 and 15 my "Iris
Steensma" years because I can't find any other shorthand, but for the most
part I was not a prostitute and rarely engaged in that sort of direct exchange-
usually it was another kind of payment, not cash- because it always had to be
about the largesse of the man and me wanting him- and really, in some ways that
was better, because when men straight up paid for it they were usually paying
to be abusive and dismissive.)
Until a few years ago, when quite frankly my body changed,
including my hormones, I did enjoy all things prurient and especially that
women should choose, men should compensate women for sex in some way, or
society should. Because even without kids we have the periods, the constant
threat of rape and impregnation, etc.
And also, it is the only thing of value that society has
consistently wanted from me. Men want
sex, or to talk about sex, or look at sex, etc, and even women want to
photograph or otherwise the female figure, and everyone wants to find a way to
make money from it. And there is a
fatigue too, that comes with anything of value a person possesses- like a
doctor constantly being asked about people's symptoms wherever they go, or a
film director having every waiter pitch them a script, etc.
My disagreements with prostitution, strip clubs, porn, etc,
all stem from the fact that they exploit rather than empower women. In my 20s when I was really trying to write
about my early sexual experiences I could not get anything published because
"underage sex" was illegal. So go to any bookstore and buy Iceberg
Slim's autobiography, or watch Taxi Driver, but if Iris Steensma or the Rachel
in Slim's stable had tried to write a book or make a movie it would have been
rejected.
And the other thing that I would run into, is people that
would insist that there was something wrong with me, that I had suffered myself
and still thought sex work was wrong! Many of these people weren't
religious. I get that most women want to
find one guy and settle down and have kids, but I also know that given the
opportunity there is a great chunk of men out there that are not going to do
that, and it unrealistic to expect it.
(I used to think to myself that I had to have sex with all
of these men because their wives and girlfriends didn't. At 13 I really thought
I was responsible for blue balls and that I was a tease- and I probably was- I
wanted men to look at me so I dressed sexy and flirted. I just didn't want or like the sex, I just
put up with it. But I thought I obligated to provide it because I had made the
men excited and their wives wouldn't have sex with them.)
Anyhow, so when this video was made, I didn't see the
amazing young body I see now, and I wish I had appreciated myself more. Many of the photos that I have were taken by
boyfriends with a lot of protesting that I was "too fat" and
"too gross".
And later, when I did try to do these on my own, I just
cannot seem to market myself of play the game right. The whole acquisition of money is so
exhausting to me. "Selling
myself." I am way too honest to do that.
And too weird.
And also now I don't feel it as much. I want companionship and help with the storm
windows and someone who isn't going to flinch at my 56 year old (in 5 days)
body. Part of my problem now is that I
listened to a lot of very detailed complaints from all those men about how
disgusting older women's bodies were. And also I flinch at myself these days.
So taking selfies and doing topless Skype chats is probably over. (And with
very few exceptions I don't look at dick pics for free. Or for cheap. And not that I get many, but
just FYI. )
But to be clear, I don't think badly of anyone who buys this
video. I'm 19 in it, not 13. I am selling it because I need money and my
thanks and appreciation for every purchase are very sincere and heartfelt.
I also understand that there is a limited market. I'm also selling my stories, my office and
other skills, and this HP Stream Laptop (good for gamers-and barely used $100).
Also, any gifts are welcomed as well. Or any book advances from publishers that want me to write my life story!
Thanks for listening!
