That Lion's gate portal was interesting. Maybe it was the Venus transit and the Perseides with a little something extra this year? Not sure, but it has passed, although I am still culling all the "downloads" I got and trying to sort out who all the visitors were.
One big one came this morning just as I had
finished my morning rituals and stretches and stuff, my mind of course flipped
to money/adulting/wtf with my life mode and boom!
I don't know that if I'd had a
"normal" life this weekend- if I had still been working at that job-
that I would have been able to process this. (Not just any job, but that
particular job because it was such a mix of mental and physical.) These magickal/psychic/mystical downloads are
like big drop boxes or google takeout or whatever, they can take hours, even
days to unpack.
These things aren't always worded thoughts
that are linear. I'm going to describe
the process because for some reason I feel like I should... Maybe in case anyone
else has this process but doesn't recognise it?
There is a feeling that precedes it.
The mundane stuff gets pushed aside, and a feeling of ???
wonder/awe/anticipation comes over me.
Then the downloaded files begin. Today an image of my natal chart and my retro
Venus and retro Jupiter. Jupiter is in
detriment and in my 12th House. When
astrologers do my chart there is usually something like "omg how do ever
make any money at all?" And one time, a very positive lady said,
"Well this is interesting, I guess you knew when you came to this life
that you don't really need money. It's
just a symbol, and you knew you would be able to get by without it." (I didn’t have to have these specific memories,
they were just *there* embedded in the image.
I already know what those placements mean. I’m just describing for you,
the reader.)
So, then the next thought was something along
the lines of "look at most people you know" and it was a bunch of
random images, mostly the people I deal with on a regular basis- library
workers, store clerks- and then specifically people I know that have worked at
the same jobs or in the same profession for decades. And a comparison of the “sense” or structure
of their life versus my crazy haphazard life.
And the worded part was something like
"most people do not have the kind of freedom you have had" and or
"most people have not had the unstructured time to really dig down into their
emotions/minds/souls the way you have."
(Like this very download. Like this very Epiphany.)
And then I saw images of magickal folk I
know and have known- specifically my teachers, people I know to be much
stronger magickians and witches than I am.
And that was my mind asking a question, I believe, because immediately I
could "hear" the answer from the download. "You seek the same things- magick,
mystic, knowledge of the other realms- but we are showing you that you have a
rare privilege in this life, and it is not widely available, although it is
more available in your current society and the country you are in, than in most
other places and times in history."
And again my 12th House was
shown, as a reference to my past lives- and most of the ones I remember I was a
man and specifically a soldier or warrior. But the images I was seeing were of
solitary hermits and monks living in the woods by themselves, and wives of
aristocratic men who were always at war- like medieval ladies in castles that
had servants and libraries and a lot of leisure for their lifetimes. And I am not sure here if these were my past
lives- it didn’t feel like it, but I am not sure- or if they were just showing
me that at no other time in history could I have been an unmarried woman with
no children, living alone, reading through thousands of books.
And then this last bit was a specific nod
to technology- travelling the world without money or advanced astral projection
skills, interacting with so many people, etc.
Something I think about pretty often on my own.
And then, the big reveal, and not really
sure how this played out because it was so fast- another Epiphany, a burst of
light, and it was a jumble of feelings images memories etc. And still having a
hard time putting this in words...
So, let's say that I did choose exactly
this life, and this natal chart, with these pretty serious restrictions on
money (Venus and Jupiter). And because
of other people (all the planets and action in the active or outer part of the
chart, plus that Mars/Venus in Aquarius and it's the 7th house). Whether we are
friends in this life or not, I am here to engage with certain people, fighting
or fucking, either way, and it is contractual.
Jupiter in 12th House is also an indication
that the last lifetime was a big one, a famous one. I feel that, although I am not 100% sure I
remember that life. I do avoid publicity
like the plague. People always want me
to be a public leader, but I have never wanted that. I want to unleash other leaders; I don't want
followers. Recognition from worthy peers
and better? Yes. And I would love some fame from writing, but really that is limited
fame. Money to live on well enough to
travel more and such? Yes. My photo in
the paper or on the news? No.
And then the next part was a stream of
images/memories of all the gifts and blessings and boons I've been given. Of all the times I've fallen, some of them hard,
and there were people there to catch me or to help me repair from the fall. And I saw all the people who haven't been
caught, who have no one. I don't even
need to walk more than a few blocks to find one.
Then the last bit was the hardest. All my mistakes, transgressions, lies,
embarrassing moments, debts, hurtful things I've done and said to myself and
others.
And then all the times I have made people
cringe or become alarmed simply by being myself and being honest. Not that I necessarily did anything wrong,
just that I didn't- don't- behave like other people. And I don’t have a life
like other peoples. Or a “regular”
personality.
And then I saw a lot my weird and alarming
and downright bad traits in other people- and it was a lot of famous people. And Donald Trump was there. And seeing some of
your own behaviours compared to that POS is not a pleasant morning, but it was
accurate-the boasting and the arrogance, and the lack of social skills. How
different these things become when you are famous or rich. How they are accepted and encouraged. How much growth I would have avoided.
And also, I saw my
"audience". I always think of
the people that ran away or became horrified and back away when they see me
coming, but this morning I also saw the men (it was mostly men) that became my
biggest fans, because I was so honest or authentic or whatever. And honest about the parts of me that are not
socially acceptable and “adult”- the part of me that is the abandoned 3-year-old
child, or the part of me that is that little girl in the Piano, having to
explain things to the adults, or the whining, unhappy bitch, etc.
That same thing I see in Trump fans, but
about their racism and greed. He is such
a relief to them because he is honest. No
human wants to reject part of themselves.
Racists want to be racist. Greedy
people want to be greedy. It’s actually
the same basic impulse as a gay or trans person coming out. The desire to live your life as you truly
are. But the similarity ends there. At
root all humans are wired the same, but that doesn’t make all desires the same.
Because there was a whole other side to that too- where what many people are
attracted to is the authenticity, the emotional and personal honesty. That is why Trump had voters but then lost
them.
I hate that these things come like a ball
of light, explode, and make everything clear, and then like a dream begin to
recede, and all that is left is this inadequate description. I mean, for a second it was "Macro
awareness" as described in 2150 A.D.
When these downloads unpack everything makes sense, and everything is
interconnected, and you just know that whatever happened, or will happen, you
are part of something, and it makes sense. You know that you are good and have
purpose.
I have been asking for months, maybe a year
now "Why am I still here in this incarnation that seems so stuck and going
nowhere? What should I be doing? What would make me feel happier? Is there
Karma I need to pay off or what? Who are
my people?" And "What is the
fucking purpose of me being stuck here in St Louis- where I fit in about as
well as that meme with a garlic clove stuck in a tangerine- while the world
boils to death?"
And the answer wasn't what I wanted, but I
did finally get an answer. I didn't incarnate
as this person for a comfortable life. I
didn't come for money or fame or love and adoration. I didn't come to be a big leader and
figurehead. I didn't even come here for *me*. I came here for these people in my life- and yes,
my some were in my family or close friends- but most of the parade of faces and
memories were just momentary blips.
Casual encounters. Some I barely remember at all. I few I really dislike
and wish I had never met.
And not all of them were me to help them,
some of them were for me to experience things my soul or spirit were
lacking. Some were there specifically so
that I could fuck up, hurt them, and learn from it. Just as some of the people
I was here for had hurt me.
And one of the images- and this only just
made sense right now, as I write this- was standing in that church after Ferguson. Al Sharpton and his people were next to me (I
honestly did not recognise him due to his weight loss). I was so broke then, and I had only 5 copies
of a leaflet I'd written to hand out. But
it is my habit, whether I have 5 or 500, to set the intention that I will give
them to people that it will have the most impact, that will be most receptive
to what I am saying.
So, one of his people asked for one of my
leaflets. Later, I heard a direct quote
from that leaflet in one of his speeches.
(And granted it was not out in left field, but it was almost word for
word.) So, my feeling that my efforts are wasted, and I am not reaching enough
people? My words are not wasted. Better I had handed that leaflet to Al
Sharpton, then been on tv saying it myself.
(And same goes for all those
months before Ferguson, out trying to talk to people about Metro and taking
action to change the buses and such. And
seeing so many of those folks become activists.
I had a part in that, however small.)
And there were other memories, too, of
talking to Dan Sheehan of the Christic Institute, of the Berrigan brothers,
Donald Woods, and many lesser-known activists that I have raised money for or
found journalists to speak to. One
telling me that word of my efforts to get him released had helped him to fight
suicidal thoughts in jail. And people,
especially young black men, in places Nickerson Gardens and Cabrini Green that
told me that I was the only white person that had ever acknowledged racism, or
even had a conversation with them.
(Meaning not just a white teacher or policeman telling them what to do.)
Now that I have recorded all of this, I am
more certain than ever that this was Venus.
Even without the Lion’s Gate Portal there is a precedence for spontaneous
Macro contact during these Venus transits.
In fact, the first one I ever had was spontaneous. Doing magick at Topanga Beach one Sunday morning
during the full moon in Capricorn during the transit in 2004 and the Harmonic Concordance. (And the description of that experience was
what led someone to give me a copy of the book 2150 A.D. which immediately
became my “bible” of sorts, and roadmap for the future of humans on planet
earth.)
I don’t know if this is just more of my
blethering or if this will be of use to others.
I thought that especially the actual process might be helpful. I know that I would have likely missed this
and not been able to process it if I had had to go to a regular job at 8
AM. I might have gotten some of it, but it
would not have had that Macro contact or bright flash of illuminating light.
I won’t know for a few days, and probably not until the Autumn Equinox, if this will change anything for me, but I will just keep trying to remain open and loving. And to keep that Macro perspective as best I can. (If you’ve never experienced it, I can only describe it as a kind of spiritual orgasm. Or being in love but your soul in love with the Universe, and all of it- even the parts you don’t like.
I hope the last few weeks have brought you some gifts as well. Xxoo
PS - just wanted to mention that the actual Epiphany- the experience of all this, is minutes. But it takes hours, sometimes days, to write it all down and really sort it all out.
