There are no beliefs that I have held in the past that serve me anymore regarding relationships and sex and love.
I have been actively breaking as many of my past habits and thought patterns as I can uncover. This has been very liberating.
It has also kind of left me at a loss as to how to proceed.
Under the code of the new operating system is an avowal to turn away from negative feelings as quickly as possible. Not to repress or deny or justify them, to simply turn away. Let them go, without a sense of loss. All arguments, resentments, "wrongs" etc.
It turns out that in matters of sex and romance my inability to turn away from unhappy feelings is sometimes because I can't let go of the individual person. I want to be in love (or "in fantasy") with THAT particular person. I want there to be a one and only soulmate so that I don't have worry that I made the wrong choice or ever be tempted again.
I want to make a choice now so that I never have to choose again. I want someone to agree to grow a that same rate and in a compatible direction with me, so that I know I will never be lonely, or, at least, I will never be alone.
And that doesn't seem realistic.
I don't have control over another person. And while being alone can be lonely sometimes, it is often lonely being in a relationship, too. And growth is more important to me.
If I really, really love someone, whether in a romantic way or otherwise, don't I want what is best for them? And if what is best for them is to not be in my life, shouldn't I be as happy at their parting as their arrival?
And from there I understand that I do not believe there could be another such wonderful person. And then from there that perhaps I have some doubts about myself, or insecurities that I am not "good" enough for someone so wonderful. Or that I did something to mess it up. And perhaps can't forgive myself, or trust myself to move on.
Maybe I want to be "right".
None of these negative feelings go towards what I want, which is to prepare for and be ready to accept another equally or more wonderful person into my life when I have absorbed all of the understanding and expansion of myself from this experience.
It does not have to be sad. It is just old habits and useless thought patterns. And patience and understanding for myself during the parts where I stumble, and do feel sad. To just move on and look for the something better as quickly as possible. Refocus on the things in the moment that I do like, that make me happy.
I am also now in a situation where I live with no expectation of anyone being in my life longer than is beneficial. And if it is not beneficial for one, it really cannot be beneficial to both. There is no power in living off another person. Vampires pay a price and live only in the dark. I want to be able to walk in the sunshine. Even riding off into the sunset doesn't work for me.
I would not want to be in a relationship with someone because of shared property or comfort and give up my spiritual, emotional, or sexual growth. And the promise of commitment really needs to be to one's own self.
And I am okay with the loneliness that sometimes accompanies this lifestyle, but what wears me out are the jealous and possessive feelings. They crop up in the strangest places. Inappropriate times and places and people.Sometimes without warning.
And so often regarding sex. How could the person I love/lust/desire/crush even THINK about another person? And then there is the loss of, or fear of the loss of, physical affection. It is a sad day when
awesome orgasms go away! But it seems that they go away even if I stay
in the relationship. And why would I deny someone I love the
opportunity to have awesome orgasms with someone else?
And especially
in a committed relationship? Why
Marriage and commitment is really about sex. Sexual attraction is often mistaken for love. Lust for another person is the ultimate betrayal. There are people that cannot handle knowing their partners had sex with anyone other person-- even before they met.
Believing that another person is your one and only and forever
and all lifetimes is why it hurts so much and feels like you are gonna
die during a bad breakup. The belief that someone else was the sole proprietor of those good feelings. That something outside of oneself has power over life's goodness.
I have felt those really intense, irrational feelings
before. Stalking, crazy psycho death bitch from hell. It is because of
her that I embarked on this journey to rid myself of unpleasant
feelings. Psycho bitch usually emerged when I was unconsciously engaged
in finding a relationship that would "complete" me, because I felt I was
lacking.
(And then I attracted someone lacking, and
continued to focus on the lack, making it worse and worse. And even if
someone did come along to "complete" me, once completed, it was time for
me to move on.)
So I am already predisposed to
viewing these needy feelings as coming from an undesirable place. Even
in the beginning stages of attraction when they feel good, I am wary of
them. If they become to overwhelming, even in a good way, I now try to
redirect, or if I have to, disengage, when I feel any jealousy, or
speculation.
I know many people that have said they got married to be sure they never had to be without sex. Men and women. And I really understand that. Regular sex is the most desirable aspect of monogamy, in my opinion.
I also understand that there is a real growth and beautiful mystery in committing to cultivate one relationship at the exclusion of all others. I also understand the need for commitment in a relationship with children.
But all of this heartache and jealousy and guilt and possessiveness!
Why isn't sex like eating? Or pooping? Or breathing? It is a strong creative and vital force. We have birth control now. Why do we continue to feel like we have to regulate and control sex?
I certainly have not been completely monogamous in most situations. Is it that I am so fickle in my affections that I worry my lover is going to run off, like I sometimes do?
And, again, I cannot control anything another person does. Manipulate, perhaps. Sometimes. But to no satisfaction.
I don't want to feel possessive of someone else.
Really, why should I be jealous if someone I love is in love with someone else? If there is really only one person that can fulfill my needs or desires at any given time, I hope it is me. Because I have not had much luck controlling the behaviour of other people-- much less another person's feelings!
So, if someone enters my life, it is because of mutual attraction. Not because I have made their approval or attention or feelings more important than my own. So why do I expect-- in the form of jealousy and heartache-- another person to make my feelings and desires more important than their own? Especially someone that I purport to love?
I hope you weren't reading this all to the end, waiting for a big happy ride off into the sunset conclusion.
If you were, it is 42. ;o)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phrases_from_The_Hitchhiker%27s_Guide_to_the_Galaxy#The_number_42
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