I've had a number of spirits that remained after Samhain. (They stay through Yule... sometimes Epiphany, but that may be by special arrangement, not sure on that.)
I've been having some really healing conversations, which means that I have to look in what I call "the ugly mirror". A lot of people that don't have psychic abilities think that it would be "cool" to read minds, or see yourself as others see you, and I can assure you that for the most part it is not.
And for me, the kind of person I am (that alone would be enough), plus all of my damage, my strange childhood, and, as I am realizing more and more, probably some sort of autism. Sometimes I cannot figure out what I said or did wrong. I don't understand normal social cues, and almost never understand social hierarchies.
And I often speak carelessly, without thought for other's feelings- even when I understand those feelings. And a lot of times I don't. Usually someone has to hurt me in the same way I hurt someone else for me to finally understand.
On October 14th of this year, a few weeks before Samhain, I had a spirit show up that was a man, that I knew from my past, that I had not seen in many years. Usually spirits show up after about a year, but not always. So I wasn't sure if it was someone that had died just that week, or a year ago October, or as many as 8 years ago. And as the Samhain early arrivals came in, it got more difficult to distinguish individual voices. (That scene in the movie Ghost with the dead surrounding Whoopi Goldberg is not wrong. It's just normally spirits do not talk to each other. Usually they cannot see or hear each other at all, with some exceptions, including Samhain parties like mine.)
Well, last night I think I figured out who it was. Someone I knew when I was 16. And that haven't seen in decades. Something happened between us that I should have kept to myself, and I did not. And being young, and being me, I thought the event itself is what drove us apart.
And my careless words, that he paid a price for (and yes, when the dead deliver a message it often comes with the full experience of their feeling), were spoken 40 years and three or four days ago. I'd found myself thinking about the event and him recently, but not made the connection until my mind was suitably blank for receiving such a big (and kind of devastating) conversation.
I apologized, of course, but I feel horrible. And probably will for awhile. I really didn't know any better. I was just a child, and a mess. I am still a mess. A grown mess now lol.
Part of what is so hard about this - of all encounters like this- is seeing myself through someone else's eyes. And seeing the horrid parts, the ugly mirror, isn't always what is so difficult.
It's how the person saw me BEFORE I was behaved horribly. And, not just that the person saw me as wonderful and really cared for me, but also that people see this one side of me- the bright light, the life of the party, the big smile.
If I were only that, what an easy life I'd have. I don't know why I am so crazy and complicated, weird and alarming, ruthless and cruel. But I am.
When I have these encounters, I am grateful. But I also really understand why most people wait until they are dead to have these exchanges. It is much easier to reconcile when one is on the other side and doesn't have to get up in the morning and deal with mundane things. When how you feel about yourself isn't going to affect your day to day earthly life and survival. When you are outside of time and can spend what would translate to months or years in emotional processing without feeling the weight of it in each linear moment.
I often stand in front of the real mirror, doing my Louise Hay "I love and approve of myself unconditionally." A mantra and a practice that has made my life so much better. Without the last 16 years of Louise Hay's teachings in my life, I doubt if I would have been able to handle this reconciliation at all. There is no way for me to view this and see myself in a good light.
Now, as soon as I am able to process his feelings about all of this, and fully accept my responsibility in the consequences he faced for my actions, I will have to stand in front of the Ugly Mirror and do the forgiveness mantra. Forgiving one's self is as important as forgiving another.
And it is often more difficult. But I must try. The theme of this year's Samhain- and this whole magickal year, until next Samhain- is forgiveness. I'd been thinking of all the wrongs done to me, and being the Forgiver. Hmph. Like when you do a prosperity spell, one of the first things that will happen is that any loan or debt you have will come due.
xxoo
No comments:
Post a Comment